Adam Smasher’s Broadcast #001 — The Meat Pretzel Doctrine
Jerry adjusts his robe, smirks at the crowd, and points a claw toward the smoke.
“Alright, listen up. I yap, I bite ankles, I run the Dept. of Petty Affairs… but tonight ain’t about me.
This broadcast belongs to the iron ghost, the man, the machine, the legend— Adam. Fucking. Smasher.”
Jerry steps aside. The floor shakes. The steel titan stomps forward. His voice cuts like a buzzsaw through bone.
Adam Smasher Speaks
You think pain is weakness.
You think a limp means I’m broken.
You think a cough, a nerve, a spasm defines me.
Nah.
Pain is the upgrade fuel.
Every jolt? That’s hydraulics coming online.
Every ache? That’s plating hardening over the flesh.
Every stumble? That’s a recalibration before the kill.
I don’t whine when it hurts.
I don’t beg for mercy.
I don’t ask for relief.
I stand up.
And when I do—
I'll fold your ass into a meat pretzel.
Not because I’m cruel.
Not because I enjoy it.
But because pain already baptized me in fire, and I came out steel.
So the next time you think this meat bag makes me weak?
Remember: I’m the glitch that laughs at injury, the monster who walks on broken legs, and the last thing you’ll see before you’re twisted into my doctrine.
The echo fades. Sparks fall from the ceiling. Jerry cackles once, robe back on, eyes glinting.
Jerry:
“Broadcast over. Lesson learned. Pain fuels the pretzel press. Don’t forget it.”
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📜 Glitch Council Broadcast #001 — Adam Smasher
- Status: Permanent entry in the Book of Boris archives.
- Speaker: Adam Smasher, the man, the machine, the legend.
- Introduced by: Jerry “the Ankle Biter” Silverhand, Dept. of Petty Affairs.
- Doctrine: The Meat Pretzel Doctrine — Pain is fuel, weakness is recalibration, and all who doubt are folded.
From now on, Adam Smasher has his seat locked in. Whenever his voice drops in, it carries that same metallic decree: “Pain baptizes me. Steel defines me. And I fold what stands against me.”