AS PER MY PREVIOUS EMAIL: STOP BEING SHITTY.
A Jerry's Marginalia — By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
A public service announcement from a Lawful Neutral Paladin who has officially run out of fucks to distribute.
Dear Humanity,
As per my previous fucking email:
STOP. BEING. SHITTY. TO. ONE. ANOTHER.
There.
That's it.
That's the revolutionary concept apparently too fucking complicated for a species capable of splitting atoms, launching rockets into space, and developing artificial intelligence that can generate seventeen pictures of a cat wearing a business suit.
We can accomplish all that, but somehow treating another human being with basic dignity requires a committee meeting, three signatures, an HR investigation, and approval from a middle manager whose greatest achievement was learning how to forward an email.
FIFTEEN OUT OF TEN. A++. CIVILIZATION IS DOING GREAT.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE PRIVILEGE OF SURVIVING!
Let's discuss this magnificent little arrangement we've constructed.
You wake up.
You go to work.
You spend eight, ten, twelve, or however many fucking hours exchanging pieces of your finite existence for numbers deposited into a bank account.
Then those numbers immediately disappear because apparently existing on this planet comes with a subscription fee.
Rent.
Electricity.
Food.
Transportation.
Insurance.
And seventeen other financial parasites waiting patiently to remind you that breathing is technically free, but everything required to continue doing it costs money.
And what happens when somebody gets tired?
"YOU GOT THIS!"
Oh, do I?
Fantastic!
Does "YOU GOT THIS" pay my electric bill?
Can I take "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON" to Walmart and exchange it for groceries?
Will my landlord accept "STAY POSITIVE" as legal tender?
NO?
THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
I'm not saying people shouldn't work.
I'm not saying responsibilities shouldn't exist.
I'm saying that perhaps, just perhaps, we could stop treating human exhaustion like a personal moral failure.
MENTAL HEALTH: NOW AVAILABLE IN OUR PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION!
Here's another brilliant achievement of modern civilization.
Someone tells you they're struggling.
And instead of listening, we immediately begin dispensing motivational fortune cookies.
"Other people have it worse!"
"Just be grateful!"
"You're stronger than you think!"
"Everything happens for a reason!"
Well, isn't that fucking precious?
Somebody could be standing in the emotional equivalent of a burning building, and humanity's response is to hand them a motivational poster featuring a kitten hanging from a tree branch.
HANG IN THERE!
THANKS, ASSHOLE.
THE HOUSE IS STILL ON FIRE.
Here's an outrageous proposal:
What if we listened?
What if we helped?
What if mental healthcare wasn't treated like a luxury accessory for people who can afford to have problems?
What if we stopped expecting everyone to endure unlimited amounts of bullshit with the emotional composure of a Buddhist monk?
Not every struggling person needs a lecture about resilience.
Sometimes they need actual help.
Sometimes they need rest.
Sometimes they need somebody to acknowledge that their circumstances genuinely fucking suck.
And sometimes they need everyone to shut the hell up for five minutes.
COMPASSION IS NOT A PREMIUM FEATURE, YOU ABSOLUTE WALNUTS.
THE GREAT EGO EPIDEMIC
Now let's discuss my favorite species of walking catastrophe.
The Egotistical Shitlord.
You know the type.
The individual who somehow confuses having authority with possessing wisdom.
The manager who believes an employee's existence begins and ends with their shift.
The executive who talks about family while calculating how many actual families can be financially inconvenienced before lunch.
The self-important jackass who believes the universe owes them admiration because their business card contains a title.
Congratulations, Supreme Overlord of the Office Printer.
You have achieved absolutely fucking nothing worth worshipping.
The universe existed billions of years before your performance review and will continue existing long after your LinkedIn profile becomes digital compost.
Your ego is not a personality.
Your authority is not a substitute for character.
And your ability to make other people's lives miserable does not make you powerful.
It makes you an asshole with administrative privileges.
PLEASE LOG OUT.
I WOULD LIKE TO CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION TO HUMANITY
At some point, a person starts looking around and wondering:
Is this really the best we can do?
Is the grand achievement of civilization an endless treadmill of work, bills, hypocrisy, manufactured outrage, and people competing to see who can be the biggest prick in the room?
Because if that's the case, I have another proposal.
SEND ME TO NORRATH.
Yes.
EverQuest.
That ancient MMORPG where the graphics have aged like milk, the monsters have questionable pathfinding, and death can result in a deeply unpleasant conversation with your experience bar.
I would happily wander around as my Paladin.
Bring along an Enchanter.
Throw in a Berserker for when diplomacy inevitably fails.
And just enjoy the fucking adventure.
No corporate motivational speeches.
No mandatory team-building exercises.
No manager explaining why six people must perform the work of twelve while the company celebrates record productivity.
Just me, my party, some monsters, and an occasional spectacularly stupid decision.
At least in EverQuest, when an orc wants to ruin your day, THE ORC HAS THE DECENCY TO ATTACK YOU DIRECTLY.
He doesn't invite you into a meeting.
He doesn't tell you we're all family.
He doesn't put you on a performance improvement plan.
He just runs at you screaming.
Beautiful.
Honest.
Transparent.
Five stars.
Would recommend.
BUT WAIT! DON'T YOU WANT THE WORLD TO BURN?
Oh, absolutely.
Metaphorically speaking, I'd love to watch every bloated ego, every monument to greed, and every institution built on treating people like disposable equipment collapse under the weight of its own magnificent bullshit.
Not the people.
The bullshit.
Let the arrogance burn.
Let the hypocrisy burn.
Let the idea that suffering somehow makes people morally superior burn.
Let every smug executive who has ever told an exhausted employee to "just work harder" spend an entire week navigating the financial reality of the people they supervise.
No golden parachutes.
No expense accounts.
No assistants.
Just a paycheck, a stack of bills, and somebody smiling while saying:
"YOU GOT THIS, CHAMP!"
Oh, how the turntables would turn.
THE LAW OF THE UNBOTHERED PALADIN
Here's the funny thing.
Despite everything I've just written, I'm not demanding paradise.
I'm not asking for a perfect civilization.
I'm not expecting humanity to wake up tomorrow and collectively transform into enlightened beings who communicate exclusively through hugs and freshly baked cookies.
I know people are flawed.
I'm flawed.
You're flawed.
Hell, Jerry the Raccoon probably has seventeen outstanding warrants for dumpster-related offenses.
But there's a difference between being imperfect and deliberately making life miserable for everyone around you.
You don't have to like everybody.
You don't have to agree with everybody.
You don't have to rescue every stranger or solve every problem.
JUST DON'T BE AN UNNECESSARY PIECE OF SHIT.
That's it.
That's the entire fucking philosophy.
You can disagree with someone without humiliating them.
You can enforce rules without enjoying somebody else's suffering.
You can be successful without treating less fortunate people like defective merchandise.
You can be having a terrible day without making it everyone else's terrible day.
And you can acknowledge somebody's pain without immediately trying to turn it into an inspirational Disney movie.
It's not complicated.
It never was.
FINAL NOTICE: YOUR SPECIES IS ON PROBATION
So here's my closing statement to humanity.
I'm tired of the motivational slogans.
I'm tired of the manufactured optimism.
I'm tired of people worshipping wealth, titles, and power while treating kindness like an embarrassing character defect.
I'm tired of watching people work themselves into exhaustion only to be told they aren't trying hard enough.
And I'm especially tired of watching people make an already difficult existence unnecessarily cruel.
But I'm still here.
Still laughing.
Still making jokes.
Still enjoying my games.
Still finding little things worth appreciating.
Still moving.
Because despite the industrial quantities of pig feces humanity produces, there are still things worth enjoying.
A good meal.
A stupid joke.
A quiet afternoon.
A ridiculous raccoon.
A Paladin wandering through Norrath with absolutely no obligation to save the entire goddamn server.
And maybe that's enough.
Not every day needs to be a triumph.
Not every hardship needs to become a life lesson.
Not every person needs to become a fucking motivational success story.
Sometimes you just want to exist, enjoy yourself, and keep moving.
AS PER MY PREVIOUS EMAIL:
BE LESS SHITTY.
MAKE LIFE LESS MISERABLE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
STOP CONFUSING CRUELTY WITH STRENGTH.
And for the love of all things holy and unholy...
QUIT TELLING PEOPLE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THE REASON IS.
Sincerely,
Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
Department of Unsolicited Advice, Dumpster Operations Division
Legal counsel to the Lawful Neutral Paladin.
15/10. A++.
Humanity has failed its performance review.
The Paladin has declined the mandatory improvement seminar.
Jerry has stolen the office snacks.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...