Bear Blog Entry - Altantiean Gremlin Scorecard & Tier List

15 Jul, 2025

Movie: Altantis: The Lost Empire

🕳️ Gaetan “Mole” Molière

Subclass: Tunnel-Goblin Gremlin

Eats dirt like fine cuisine. Probably sniffs dynamite for fun. Communicates in cryptic grunts and raw mischief. Whole vibe screams: “I will crawl under your house at 3 AM just to rearrange your pipes.”

Signature Quote: [Indecipherable French noises] followed by something being dug into.

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 9.9 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Structural Menace, Unbathed Tier

🍳 Jebidiah Allardyce “Cookie” Farnsworth

Subclass: Campfire Cryptid Gremlin

Survives on beans, lard, and spite. Hasn’t bathed since the Civil War and considers poison ivy a condiment. Laughter sounds like gravel in a coffee grinder. If you complain, he offers seconds.

Signature Quote: "Danged lightning bugs done bit me on my sit-upon. Somebody's gonna have to suck out that poison. Now don't everybody jump up at once."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 9.5 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Culinary Terrorist, Lard Division

💣 Vincenzo “Vinny” Santorini

Subclass: Demolition Deadpan Gremlin

Never blinks. Never runs. Just detonates. If sarcasm were a martial art, Vinny would be grandmaster level. Keeps C4 next to his socks. Could flatten a city block and say "Oops" like he dropped a spoon.

Signature Quote: "I sleep better knowing there’s no giant, mutant albino termite chasing me."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 9 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Explosive Minimalist, Boom & Gloom Unit

🚧 Audrey Rocio Ramirez

Subclass: Teen Mechanic Gremlin

Tiny, fast-talking, and fueled by spite and socket wrenches. Talks smack while fixing the world. Will call you out, then outpace your car. Probably sleeps with an oil rag under her pillow.

Signature Quote:

Audrey: “I thought this saw cuts through in 28 seconds!”

Sweet: “Less talk, more saw.”

Audrey: “Saw goes brrr.” (From me.)

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 8.5 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Precision Punk, Grease Monkey Division

🧸 Helga Katrina Sinclair

Subclass: Ice-Eyed Enforcer Gremlin

Elegance with a body count. Can pistol whip your soul with a wink. Built like a runway model, fights like a Marvel villain. Her black dress has a kill count.

Signature Quote: "Nothing personal."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 8 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: The Cold Trigger, Femme Fatality Ops

🏛️ Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke (Rouke Done Right Variant)

Subclass: Tactical Gremlin Kingmaker

Would’ve walked out a hero and a legend. Wants his cut but keeps the mission clean. If you betray him, he won’t raise his voice—he'll just raise Helga's eyebrow. Was two briefings away from founding Atlantis Inc.

Signature Quote: "P.T. Barnum was right... but I could’ve done better."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 8.5 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Strategic Savage, Legacy Division

🪥 Dr. Joshua Strongbear Sweet

Subclass: Medic with Muscles Gremlin

Gentle giant with surgical fists. Will patch you up and punch your trauma into next week. Has protein shakes that scream when opened. Half healer, half freight train.

Signature Quote:

"Less talk, more saw."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 7.5 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Anatomical Wrecking Ball

📱 Wilhelmina Bertha Packard

Subclass: Switchboard Cryptid Gremlin

Smokes three phones a day. Talks like a dial tone and gossips like a war crime. Has seen the apocalypse. Twice. And she took notes.

Signature Quote: "We're all gonna die."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 7 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Eternal Receptionist of Doom

🧜‍♂️ Milo James Thatch

Subclass: Academic Accident Gremlin

Nerd with heart, clumsy on pavement, deadly on maps. Might drop a flashlight but somehow command a nation. Carries trauma, books, and everyone's expectations.

Signature Quote: "Carrots. Why is it always carrots? I didn't even eat carrots."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 6.5 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Accidental Protagonist

💫 Princess "Kida" Kidagakash

Subclass: Crystal-Wielding Wildcard Gremlin

Royalty with a rebel core. Could launch a thousand glowsticks with a glare. Spiritually 9000 years old, emotionally still ready to throw hands.

Signature Quote: "You do not know the power you toy with... but I do."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 6 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Glitch Princess, Glowing Edition

👑 King Kashekim Nedakh

Subclass: Dusty Philosophy Gremlin

Thinks in riddles, speaks in metaphors, dies in the second act. If stubbornness were a crystal, he'd power the whole city. Wasted most of his mana stalling destiny.

Signature Quote: "Some secrets are better left buried."

🧠 Gremlin Rating: 3 / 10

🎩 Dept. of Petty Affairs Rank: Regal Fossil, Stubborn Specter