🍄 Beetle-Boris & The Afterlife Hustle: Mario 3 Edition
A Dept. of Petty Affairs / Gremlin Risitas crossover
You ever look at your life and think,
“Damn, I graduated from ScareU University and still can’t afford a new coffin?”
Yeah. That’s me — Beetle-Boris, the ghost with the most debt and a screenplay Nintendo refuses to acknowledge.
🎩 Scene One: The Haunted HOA Meeting
The chandelier’s shaking, the rent’s overdue, and I’m standing in front of twelve transparent board members in a pinstripe suit screaming:
“Twenty brand deals, two repossessed coffins, and a ring that cost more than my afterlife insurance!
You know how hard it is to haunt in this economy?”
One old ghoul clears his throat.
“Didn’t you marry the Maitland girl?”
I slam my ectoplasmic latte on the table.
“Yeah, I did, pal! Lyds handles the goth aesthetics— I handle the marketing!”
Thunder strikes. Cards fly. Someone whispers, “He’s unhinged.” They’re right. I’m dead, not done.
⚰️ Scene Two: The Branding Problem
You think haunting pays the bills? Ha! Try negotiating a sponsorship deal with a poltergeist who only communicates through wall scratches. Try pitching Boo-Tube Premium to demons who still use dial-up.
Meanwhile, I’m out here sweating ectoplasm, wondering how many influencer mansions I gotta exorcise before I can buy Lyds that cursed ring she’s been eyeing.
“They don’t respect me… I mean, disrespect me. Ha! Gotcha, didn’t I?”
— Beetle-Boris, 3 a.m., probably haunting your fridge.
🍄 Scene Three: The Lost Level
Somebody, somewhere, whispers “Mario 3 movie.” Immediately — poof! — the post vanishes like a Boo in sunlight. I peek over the net and see a Nintendo ninja with a delete button bigger than Bowser’s ego.
“He knows too much,” they mutter, before yeeting my draft into a digital warp zone.
But I ain’t mad. You can’t delete a ghost, baby — you can only respawn. So I screamed back through the ether:
“Yup. Mario 3, and * fuck you.*”
Then I grabbed my collar, winked at the camera, and said:
“They just don’t respect me — I mean, disrespect me. Ha!”
Final Scene: The Ghost with the Most
See, people think the afterlife’s chill. Nah, baby — it’s corporate. You either haunt, hustle, or get replaced by an AI ghost that charges a subscription fee.
But me? I’m the glitch in the afterlife algorithm. The clown prince of cursed content. The raccoon who learned necromarketing and never looked back.
So if you hear laughter echoing from your ring light tonight? Don’t be scared. It’s just me, Beetle-Boris — trying to write this off as a business expense while pitching Super Mario Bros 3: The Movie.
#BeetleBoris #ScareU #AfterlifeHustle #Mario3Movie #DeptOfPettyAffairs #GremlinRisitasProtocol
— Jerry ‘The Ankle Biter’ Silverhand · Tribunal Chair (DPA)
Doctrine: Don’t bark — bill.
Motto: I don’t flex, I calculate.