Being Alive Is Not a Payment Plan
Every morning, I wake up.
And every morning, the bills are still there.
The world hasn't paused overnight. The electricity company hasn't reconsidered its position. The phone bill hasn't developed a conscience. Rent hasn't decided that perhaps I deserve a complimentary month.
Nope. Everything is still waiting.
Sometimes I wonder how many times a person is expected to hear that things will get better before they're allowed to ask when.
Stay positive.
Keep trying.
Don't give up.
You'll find something eventually.
I appreciate the sentiment. Really, I do.
But positivity doesn't deposit money into a checking account.
Neither does perseverance.
And while staying alive is certainly preferable to the alternative, it doesn't make the financial obligations disappear any faster.
I need employment.
Not another inspirational quotation. Not a motivational poster featuring a mountain climber. Not somebody telling me that every rejection is simply redirection.
I need somebody to look at an application, look at my work history, and say, "When can you start?"
There's something exhausting about constantly having to prove that you're willing to work.
I've worked before. I've held jobs, followed schedules, dealt with management, handled responsibilities, and collected paychecks.
I'm not trying to discover the meaning of employment.
I'm trying to get back into it.
And there's a difference.
I'm not asking for a six-figure salary or an executive office. Give me reasonable hours, a reasonable commute, and a paycheck that allows me to handle my responsibilities.
Let me work. Let me earn. Let me save.
Let me build something that belongs to me.
I don't need every day to be wonderful. I don't even need every day to be particularly interesting.
I'd settle for a week where nothing unexpected happens and my bank account doesn't take another unexpected punch to the stomach.
Maybe that's the strange thing about financial insecurity.
Eventually, you stop thinking about what you want to buy and start thinking about what you need to protect.
Your savings.
Your transportation money.
Your grocery money.
Your ability to handle the next emergency without dismantling everything you've spent months trying to build.
And somewhere in all that planning, living starts to feel like another responsibility.
I don't want that.
I want to work, come home, make something to eat, play my games, watch television, and enjoy whatever little corner of existence I've managed to secure.
That's not an unreasonable ambition.
I'm not giving up. I'm still applying. Still looking. Still trying to find the next opportunity.
But I also refuse to pretend that being endlessly resilient is a substitute for having an income.
Survival is important. Stability is necessary. And eventually, a person needs more than encouragement. They need a way forward.
So here's to another morning.
Another application.
Another opportunity, hopefully.
And perhaps, one of these days, another paycheck.
Not because I need the world to tell me I'm strong.
Because I'd quite like to afford my own groceries.
— Boris Thuginski
Still standing. Still applying. Still waiting for somebody to open the damn door.
Jerry's Marginalia
The Department of Petty Affairs would like to remind everyone that motivational quotations are not legal tender.
Neither are good intentions, positive affirmations, or inspirational pictures of wolves.
Please submit actual payment.
— Jerry "The Ankle-Biter" Silverhand
Department of Petty Affairs, Office of Financially Unhelpful Encouragement