Dept. of Petty Affairs Addendum — Comparative Speed Doctrine: The Church of Frame Perfect
Filed under the Division of Temporal Precision and Spiritual Lag Compensation
- Filed by: Vox the Archivist
- Countersigned by: Jerry Silverhand, Chief Ankle Biter
- Observed by: Mrs. Catford (from a comfortable distance on top of a router)
I. Precedent
Following the closure of The Piss Baby Paradox, the tribunal sought to place Pint’s rivals—PyoShii, Azura Stargazer, and others—within the broader pantheon of those who transcend human input windows. To contextualize this phenomenon, the Department drew parallels with the ancient prophets of frame perfection who walked before them: Sinister1 and Zallard1, high priests of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!.
II. On the Nature of Temporal Mastery
| School | Domain | Creed | Failure Condition |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Punch-Out Monastery | Pattern Recognition under Punishment | “See through sound.” | Blinking. |
| The Tower Ascendants | Spatial Precision under Latency | “Feel the frame.” | Doubt. |
Both orders converge at the same altar—The Church of Frame Perfect—where each sermon is one input long and salvation is measured in milliseconds.
III. The Comparative Doctrine
- The Zallard Law — If you can do it blindfolded, you no longer play the game; the game plays itself through you.
- The Pyo Clause — If you can reproduce the impossible, you rewrite the definition of “impossible.”
- The Pint Exception — If you can lose spectacularly and still trend, you have achieved enlightenment through latency.
Thus, perfection divides into two hemispheres:
- Mechanical Divinity (PyoShii, Zallard1) — mastery of timing.
- Narrative Divinity (Pint) — mastery of failure.
Both generate worship; one through awe, the other through laughter.
IV. Catfordian Observation
“Speedrunners are just monks who replaced chants with macros.” — Mrs. Catford, while batting at a keyboard macro key
She later added that true enlightenment occurs not when the player moves perfectly, but when they can miss a frame and still purr.
V. Vox’s Closing Reflection
“Frame perfection is not about time—it’s about devotion. Every pixel climbed, every punch landed, every lag compensated for… it is the digital prayer of mortals trying to prove that gods, too, can desync.”
Filed Remarks
Jerry Silverhand:
“We’ll never out-climb latency, but we can learn to dance with it. That’s why the Department exists: to audit grace under dropped frames.”
- Status: ✅ Filed and Indexed
- Cross-Reference: Who Said That Nonsense — Sub-Ledger Ω: Omegaverse Epilogues
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