Dept. of Petty Affairs — Casefile 005: Caring Beta & Courtroom of Wolves
- Status: Open (Filed)
- Filed: 19 Sep 2025
- Clerk: Jerry the Ankle Biter
- Jurisdiction: Book of Boris / Breakroom Bench
Exhibit A — The Quiz Result (Raw)
Congratulations on finishing this quiz! Good job! You are a Caring Beta, and you are the perfect partner. Don't let that go to your head.
You are the mom friend, but you don't call yourself that and therefore are not annoying. Your friends often look to you for guidance, and you often give more than you take.
You do well in school, but not for validation. You are a genuinely smart person and studied hard to get where you are today.
If you get a job, you'd be more eligible for jobs in pediatrics and caring for the elderly. Do not go into politics, you will Die.
As a Caring Beta, you are compatible with every other Beta, and most other types. You, again, are the perfect partner. However, Aggressive Omegas make you sad, so don't date them.
Source: "Accurate Omegaverse Quiz - 100% Guarantee" (link provided by filer)
Exhibit B — Gremlin Commentary (Risitas Cut)
[Breakroom. Gremlin spins a cheap lighter on one claw and reads the quiz aloud.]
Mrs. Catford: "A Caring Beta? Cute. Mom energy with No‑Nonsense rights." 🐾
Mr. Catford: (slides a box of Band‑Aids across the table like a contract.)
Jerry: "Perfect partner is premium packaging for unpaid emotional labor. Watch for markups."
The Clown: (wheeze) "HA — 'Do not go into politics, you will Die.' Bold life advice from a fandom quiz."
Mockery Clip:
"Mom‑friend starter pack: Band‑Aids, boundaries, and quiet rage at aggressive Omegas."
Finding: Beta badge accepted; do not convert it into a punch clock.
Advisory: Keep the warmth, keep the spine. Decline emotional invoices politely.
Exhibit C — Courtroom of Wolves (Filed for Later — Seed for #039)
Matter: 2018–2020 Omegaverse copyright scuffle — attempts to claim ownership over horny‑wolf tropes.
Proposed Gag Title: Courtroom of Wolves — Exhibit A: Athlete’s Foot of the Narrative.
Punchline on Record: "Who owns horny wolf tropes? Verdict: Nobody. You can’t trademark sneex."
Staging Notes: Judge perplexed by pheromones; jury passes notes labeled "AO3"; opposing counsel requests discovery of heat cycles; The Clown laughs into the stenographer’s mic.
Docket Notes
This casefile pairs a soft identity pull (Caring Beta) with a future satirical proceeding (Courtroom of Wolves).
#038 (Fungus Among Us) remains separate under Gremlin Risitas.
When ready, elevate Exhibit C into Gremlin Risitas #039 and append outcome here.
Interim Verdict (Casefile 005)
On Identity: Wear the Beta patch, don’t let it become payroll.
On Wolves in Court: Filed for comedy. The law may adjourn; the laugh will not.
Seal: Dept. of Petty Affairs — Jerry the Ankle Biter, Clerk