Dept. of Petty Affairs: Crane Collections Department
Filed by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand — Co-signed by Mr. & Mrs. Catford
Summary of Incident: Caller ID: Unknown — Voice: Over-trained, under-paid, armed with a script that smells like corporate Febreze.
Jerry answers thinking opportunity knocked.
Instead? Debt Delilah, asking for “the last four digits of your soul.”
Proceedings: I let her talk. She demanded numbers. I offered philosophy:
“If this is a bill, I wish to disassociate myself from it.”
Her script crashed.
Audible rage downloaded.
Then came the rant — high-pitched, low-value — until the line met its mercy: click.
Judgment: Case dismissed with indifference. Caller folded into a paper crane and dropped into the nearest puddle for emotional rehydration.
- Filed Remarks by Mrs. Catford:
“Next time they call, offer them a napkin. It’ll absorb their dignity faster than their script ever will.”
Filed Remarks by Mr. Catford:
“Imagine getting mad ’cause a raccoon declined a subscription to poverty. Press stay pressed.”
Verdict:
- No payment due.
- No guilt owed.
- Peace retained.
- Crane collection terminated.
- Filed & Sealed by The Dept. of Petty Affairs
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