Dept. of Petty Affairs Docket #149 — The Track and the Verdict Clause
Subtitle: The Crime Was Competence
Filed under: Broken Rail Doctrine · Book of Boris Archives Cross-Reference
Exhibit A: 🎥 The Man Whose Train Obsession Put Him Behind Bars for Life
(Video evidence submitted to the Department archives.)
Filed and narrated by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand...
Opening Statement — “When the Engine Knows More Than the Engineer”
Darius wasn’t the malfunction. He was the stress-test the system failed.
He memorized a rail grid, not a rap sheet. He executed precision, and bureaucracy mistook it for rebellion. Because in the United States, self-taught brilliance registers as a security threat — a variable the algorithm can’t bill or badge.
Clause I — On Yokomi and the Permission to Be Obsessed
Hirohiko Yokomi charted every platform in Japan and got a publishing deal. Darius McCollum did the same in New York and got a prison ID. Same obsession, different jurisdiction. One nation builds shrines to devotion; the other issues warrants for it.
Clause II — Diagnosis: Competence
The court transcript reads like satire. They punished a man for being on time. They feared precision they couldn’t match, so they labeled it pathology, then hid the paperwork behind words like rehabilitation.
Clause III — Departmental Verdict
After review, the Department finds:
The crime was competence. The sentence was envy. The execution was paperwork.
Had this fallen under Yokomi’s jurisdiction, Darius would’ve been an honorary stationmaster with his own NHK special. Instead, he became a cautionary tale filed under “unauthorized excellence.”
Clause IV — Correction Issued
Effective immediately:
- Darius McCollum is granted the title Honorary Engineer, Dept. of Petty Affairs.
- He is awarded lifetime access to the express line, where every train runs immaculate and no bureaucrat dares board.
- His timetables are hereby sanctified as scripture under the Broken Rail Doctrine.
Train whistles in the distance. For once, justice departs on time.
Filed and Stamped by
Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand Tribunal Chair (Dept. of Petty Affairs)
Doctrine: Don’t bark — bill.
Motto: I don’t flex, I calculate.