Dept. of Petty Affairs — Docket #173 · The Missing Animal Clause
Filed by: Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair, DPA
Subject: The Panda’s Absence from the Zodiac Roster
Summary:
Twelve animals clocked in for the Emperor’s race. One did not. The Panda observed, unimpressed. No roar, no gallop — just a yawn and a chew. Result: the calendar moved forward; enlightenment stayed behind, sipping tea.
Findings:
Reason for Exclusion: The Panda refused participation in hierarchical contests. While the rest sought cosmic placement, he sought inner temperature control. Conclusion — too efficient for the bureaucracy of destiny.
Cultural Oversight: Claim: “The Chinese never saw one.” Counter-claim: “They felt one.” The Panda existed as the quiet correction to the world’s noise long before field reports confirmed fur density.
Energetic Alignment: The twelve create the circle. The Panda defines the pause. Every spin of the wheel requires a breath between turns — the Panda owns that breath.
Verdict:
The Panda is hereby recognized as the Unofficial Thirteenth Zodiac, patron of silence, balance, and tactical apathy. All who practice the eight-second cutoff protocol are under his jurisdiction.
Filed Remarks:
“You can keep your dragons and tigers. I’ll take the one who wins by doing nothing — perfectly.”
Status: Closed — Filed for archival under The Panda Scrolls Collection.
Signature: 🦝 Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair · Dept. of Petty Affairs
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