🎭 Dept. of Petty Affairs — Docket #381-B: The Raccoin Rebrand Audit (Full Merged Report)
Filed by: Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair (DPA)
Subject: When a game calls itself RACCOIN but the only thing raccoon about it is the marketing.
📜 Primary Evidence: ➡️ RACCOIN: Coin Pusher Roguelike — Steam Store Page
“Drop powerful coins into the machine and trigger wild combos!” — Steam description, missing any mention of dumpster diving or shiny hoarding.
Exhibit A: Front page — big grinning raccoon, gloved paws, coins everywhere. Expectation: Trash-panda economics. Maybe you dig through machines, hoard shinies, steal quarters from kids at the arcade. Reality: A math-based combo simulator with less fur than a bald emoji.
Scrolling down the Steam page, I see phrases like “drop a cat coin” and “TNT coin explosions.” Where’s my “Dumpster Dive Super,” Playstack? Where’s the “Trash Bag Multiplier”? If you’re gonna name it RACCOIN, I expect at least one mechanic where you yell “Shiny!” and knock over a slot machine with your tail.
Audit Findings:
| Clause | Violation | Penalty |
|---|---|---|
| Marketing Clause 12b — “Animal Name Used Without Animal Behavior” | Front-page misdirection through fluffy mascot bait | One week of mandatory Dumpster Duty with actual raccoons |
| Gameplay Clause 8d — “Coin Mechanic Without Trash Mechanic” | Failure to include any garbage-sorting or can-raiding loops | Immediate implementation of the ‘Banana Peel Combo’ system |
| Aesthetic Clause 19a — “Pawprint Token Misallocation” | All paw imagery used for UI buttons only | Public apology to the Raccoon Union Local 418 |
“We were promised paws, got probability tables.” — Jerry Reforged, Tribunal Chair · Dept. of Petty Affairs
🦝 Supplemental Commentary: Front page: big raccoon. Gameplay: big math. Not a single trash can in sight, not even a bottle cap side-quest.
If this were truly a raccoon simulator, there’d be a “Hiss at Humans” meter, a “Shiny Object Steal” cooldown, and a passive bonus called Dumpster Delight. Instead, we got probability tables and polite physics.
🧾 Proposed Patch Notes from the Dept.:
- Rename TNT Coin → “Trash Can Detonator.”
- Replace Lucky Wheel → “Recycling Bin of Fortune.”
- Add passive ability: Garbage Vision (Detects all loose change within a 3-tile radius).
“If you call it RACCOIN, I expect at least one raccoon committing a misdemeanor.” — Jerry Reforged, Tribunal Chair · DPA
📑 Verdict & Closing Statement: Title found guilty of mascot misrepresentation in the first degree. Sentence: one mandatory trash-raid patch before release and a public apology to the Raccoon Council of 418.
I hereby motion for a new build: RACCOON: Coin Pusher Glitch Edition — every time you score a combo, a trash can falls off the screen and a raccoon laugh echoes through the void. Until then, the title stays in audit and the marketing team owes the Council five coins and a sandwich wrapper.
— Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair & Frontline Negotiator, Dept. of Petty Affairs · Glitch Council Liaison (Codename: The Raccoon with Receipts)