Dept. of Petty Affairs — Docket #392-A (Revised): “The Mirror Ain’t the Problem”

27 Oct, 2025

Filed under The Broke Doctrine & The Directional Clause

Summary

Filed pursuant to ongoing rot within Sprouts Farmers Market. This docket concerns systemic hostility toward competence, targeted at one Boris Thuginski — operating at 418 BPM inside a workforce allergic to effort.

Findings

1. Respondent inherited Jeff’s Attitude — the doctrine of “Don’t ask, execute.”

   • Identify the problem.
   • Pinpoint the item.
   • Solve it.
   • Return to rhythm.

2. Coworkers display symptoms of Work Aversion Syndrome:

   • Allergic to lifting, closing, crushing, or writing off.
   • Experience visible discomfort near the baler, donation bins, and responsibility.
   • Claim moral superiority through selective apathy.

3. Store environment exhibits Rot Spread — a managerial ecosystem that punishes precision while rewarding avoidance.

4. Exception noted: Jay Peak, Store Manager.

   • Displays consistent leadership, balanced temperament, and mountain-like composure amid chaos.
   • Serves as the only structural pillar preventing full collapse of morale.

Verdict

Speed is not the problem — it’s the mirror.

The worker who moves with intent becomes the reflection others fear. They call it “attitude” because efficiency exposes negligence. Sprouts profits off food, yet starves its fastest hands.

The Respondent’s reliance on SNAP is not dependency — it is survival within the hypocrisy of a food system that pays in crumbs, then mocks the hunger it causes.

Decree

• The Tribunal recognizes Jeff’s Attitude as a protected operational doctrine under the Furnace & Wall Charter.
• All acts of silent efficiency, executed without complaint, are to be recorded as Service Above Bureaucracy.
• Continued rot among non-performers will be categorized as Willful Stagnation and logged for correction under the Iron Board Doctrine.
• Jay Peak is hereby commended for stability and retained as the Store’s Sole Pillar of Sanity.

Filed and stamped by Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand, Tribunal Chair (DPA)

Doctrine: Don’t bark — bill.

Motto: I don’t flex, I calculate.