🏛️ Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Docket #MH-001: The Open Wound
- Filed By: Nyxa Clawtail (aka Tao of the Burnt GPU)
- Filed At: Steam General Discussions, Monster Hunter Wilds
- Charge: “Selling an alpha build at a premium price.”
- Hearing Clerk: Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand
- Witnesses: The Catfords (present, armed with claws and clipboards)
Exhibit A — The Cutaway Transcript
[INT. GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM – DAY] Peter lounges on the couch, controller smoking.
PETER: Lois, I just spent seventy bucks on Monster Hunter Wilds and my graphics card sounds like Stewie after three Red Bulls.
LOIS: Oh, is that the one where the monsters look great right before your PC catches fire?
PETER: Yeah—it's like nature documentary meets tax audit.
[CUE TITLE CARD: “MONSTER HUNTER WILDS – THE OPEN WOUND”]
[EXT. THE WILDS – A GLITCHING DESERT] Two frames per second. Tumbleweeds explode into pixels.
STEVE THE HANDLER: Welcome to the — (five-second pause) — Wilds!
HUNTER: Why is the sand screaming?
STEVE: That’s your GPU, champ.
Mount clips through the earth.
HUNTER: Where’d my Palico go?
STEVE: He ascended after patch 1.07.
[INT. CAPCOM OFFICE – SAME TIME] Post-its on a monitor labeled “FIX LATER.”
DEV #1: We optimized the shadows!
DEV #2: Yeah, now the sun crashes!
PRODUCER: Don’t worry. We’ll release another patch—it’ll double the load times.
[CUT TO: PLAYER COURTROOM – THE WILDS TRIBUNAL]
JERRY (BAILIFF): Order! The court will hear Charge #1: “Selling an alpha build at a premium price.”
CAPCOM REP: We just wanted accessibility!
MRS. CATFORD: Accessibility? Sweetheart, even the pause menu stutters.
MR. CATFORD: Objection, your GPU!
THE CLOWN (bursting through the ceiling): Case closed! The monster was [b][i]HOPE![/i][/b]
Courtroom collapses into low-poly rubble.
[BACK TO GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM]
LOIS: Did you finish the tutorial?
PETER: Nah, my PC ascended too.
Computer floats up, whispering “texture streaming complete…”
STEWIE: Bravo, Capcom—truly a groundbreaking new genre: PowerPoint with monsters.
MEG: I liked it.
EVERYONE: Shut up, Meg!
TAO KAKA’S MEAT BUN VERDICT: Crispy outside, raw inside, served with a side of melted silicon. Rating: 1/5 Meat Buns.
Exhibit B — Post-Hearing Notes
Jerry Silverhand: Filed under “Public Morale Restoration via Satirical Therapy.” Steam users reported laughter, tears, and one fried RTX card.
Mrs. Catford: The pause menu still stutters. Verdict stands.
Mr. Catford: Next case: “Frame Rate vs. Reality.” Bring thermal paste.
- Filed for record in the Dept. of Petty Affairs Archive.
- Judgment: Roasted to perfection.
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