The Will to Resist

Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Docket — The Kugane Cans Saga: A Study in Manufactured Humility

[Gremlin Scene — Opening]

[A vending machine rattles violently in the corner. The Gremlin, wild-eyed and clutching a crumpled bill, keeps punching the button labeled “Authenticity Zero™.”]

GREMLIN: “Come on, Jerry, I just need one sip of that sweet, sweet self-awareness!”

[Clunk. The can drops. Label reads:] “Diet Humility — Now with 0% Accountability, 100% Relatability.”

[He cracks it open. The fizz echoes like a Twitch notification.]

1. The Soda of Self-Awareness

There was a time when failure was free. You tripped, ate dirt, swore a bit, and went home. Now? Failure’s been bottled, branded, and sold in 12-packs with pastel fonts and affiliate codes.

Pint didn’t climb the tower for glory—he climbed it because the market demanded a protagonist who falls photogenically. You can’t sell triumph without a tumble first. And nothing sells better than a man laughing through the pain while a sponsor tag hovers beneath him.

“Stay hydrated, stay humble, and remember to use code ‘CLIMBAGAIN’ at checkout.”

For reference: Pint’s now-famous video “I Destroyed the Oldest World Record in FFXIV” is a masterclass in this formula — humor, pacing, editing, and then the punchline: someone beats him less than 24 hours later.

2. The Potato Ascends

[Jerry adjusts his spectacles.]

Case #FF14-274b: Subject Pint, Lalafell (classification: potato). Physical description: small, spherical, resilient. Emotional state: overconfident starch.

The shortest race in Eorzea sets out to conquer the tallest tower. Every jump is a sermon in physics. Every fall a hymn to gravity.

You could hear the universe chuckling:

“Look at this brave baked good, defying air resistance and hubris in equal measure.”

But he did it. He actually did it. For a glorious heartbeat, the potato ruled the skyline — a verified 43.30 s clear on Speedrun.com.

And then? Enter Em0_oticon — The Phantom of Frame Data. Eleven years of speedrunning heritage versus one smug spud with merch links.

The result: 38.74 seconds of reminder that gravity always keeps receipts. Cue the comments section: “Still a king in my heart tho 💕.”

3. Diet Humility Redux: Limited Edition Catgirl Can

[Scene: Jerry in the Dept. cafeteria, fridge stocked with influencer drinks labeled “Authenticity,” “Growth,” “The Grind,” and “Emotional Transparency (Zero Sugar).”]

He grabs a can. Shakes it. Reads the fine print:

“Each serving contains one (1) self-deprecating tweet and mild insight about burnout.”

He sighs. Real humility doesn’t come canned. Real humility happens when you fall off the tower at 1 a.m. and nobody’s watching.

Meanwhile, Azura Stargazer — barely 3 k subs — posts a 34.616 s run. No sponsors. No thumbnails. Just perfect, quiet execution. A catgirl ascends, the world barely blinks, and the tower whispers:

“Humility doesn’t trend. It just stands there, unadvertised.”

4. Jerry’s Verdict

[Stamp: CLANG. Paper rattles.]

“Humility has been diluted for mass consumption. True humility costs something. Diet Humility™ just fizzes and fades.”

Pint’s not guilty—just caught in the cycle. Every creator builds a tower to fall from, then sells the footage as a redemption arc. That’s the trade. The grease in the algorithmic gears.

Still… the Dept. commends him. He fell with dignity, climbed with charm, and got outplayed by a catgirl in style. You can’t teach that; you can only sip it slow.

5. Closing Scene

[The Gremlin chugs the last of the can, burps, and stares at the vending machine.]

GREMLIN: “Hey Jerry… you think if I fail hard enough, I can get a sponsorship deal too?”

Jerry wipes his paw and sighs:

“Maybe, kid. But make sure when you fall— you actually hit the ground.”

[Fade out. Tower looms in the distance. A small potato silhouette climbs again.]

#DeptOfPettyAffairs #GremlinRisitas #DietHumility #TaterSupremacy #KuganeCansSaga