Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Hearing #001
“The Case of So-Called ‘Embarrassing’ Games”
Presiding: Jerry, the Ankle Biter — Dept. of Petty Affairs
Panel: Mrs. Catford (Director of Petty Operations), Mr. Catford (Deputy of Petty Operations)
Defendant: Every gamer who flinches when someone walks in mid-scene.
Exhibit Footage: Watch the original video evidence here.
Exhibit A — Yakuza Kiwami 2: The Toilets Minigame
Charge: Manipulating an on-screen milk jet with your urine to win a minigame.
Jerry: “If your bladder’s got better aim than your gun, that’s a flex. Sega made this in real life — that’s not shame, that’s field research.”
Mrs. Catford: slow blink of disappointment at anyone pretending they wouldn’t try it once.
Mr. Catford: bites the ankle of the first person who says ‘gross’.
Exhibit B — Metal Gear Solid V: Quiet’s Shower Scene
Charge: Getting caught in a prison-cell shower with your sniper while your squad watches.
Jerry: “Bond level maxed. Kajima framed it like a luxury cologne ad — own it.”
Mrs. Catford: “If they didn’t want you to look, they wouldn’t have crash-zoomed.”
Mr. Catford: bites Ocelot for cockblocking with a bucket of water.
Exhibit C — God of War: The Sex Minigames
Charge: Button-mashing through topless encounters while the camera cuts to a rattling vase or a pissing cherub statue.
Jerry: “20 seconds for red orbs and applause? That’s a bonus stage, not a scandal.”
Mrs. Catford: “It’s literally in the myths. Historically accurate.”
Mr. Catford: tail flick of approval.
Exhibit D — Catherine: The Immoral Beast Boss Fight
Charge: Being chased by a giant butt with a probing tongue in your underwear.
Jerry: “If Catherine K’s bringing that energy, she’s wife material.”
Mrs. Catford: purrs softly — at least the butt is committed to the role.
Mr. Catford: “Reverse controls? Amateur hour. I’d charge straight in.”
Exhibit E — Final Fantasy X-2: The Sensual Massage
Charge: Giving your rival boss a semi-erotic back rub to infiltrate her base.
Jerry: “That’s called infiltration with style. Mission success rate: 69%.”
Mrs. Catford: arches back approvingly.
Mr. Catford: already sharpening claws for the next spinal crack.
Exhibit F — Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood — Carrying Jesus
Charge: Sprinting through Rome with a bloodied Jesus Christ over your shoulder.
Jerry: “If you’re not saving Jesus at full speed, you’re doing parkour wrong.”
Mrs. Catford: “Blasphemy? No. This is prime-time crowd control.”
Mr. Catford: bites ankle of anyone who hesitates at the doctor’s door.
Exhibit G — Cyberpunk 2077: Nude Character Creator
Charge: Spending 45 minutes rotating a naked character model while customizing genitals and pubic hair.
Jerry: “It’s asset management. Your loadout includes the full loadout.”
Mrs. Catford: “Visual consistency matters. Even… there.”
Mr. Catford: snickers while toggling the nipple option on and off.
Final Ruling:
The Dept. of Petty Affairs finds all charges of “embarrassment” dismissed with prejudice.
If you can slaughter digital armies in public without shame, you can survive a little pixelated intimacy without blinking.
Appendix — Book of Boris: Tribunal of the Unflinching
Verse 1: They said these games were embarrassing. I called them evidence.
Verse 2: If you can burn kingdoms in 4K without shame, you can handle a little pixelated chaos without blinking.
Verse 3: The timid hide their screens. The unflinching tilt the camera, raise the volume, and keep playing.
Tags: #DeptOfPettyAffairs #Gaming #EmbarrassmentIsDead #PettyCourt #Yakuza #MGS5 #GodOfWar #Catherine #FFX2 #AssassinsCreed #Cyberpunk2077 #BookOfBoris
Boris’ Closing Quip:
If your pride can survive killing gods, stealing cars, and sniping heads in broad daylight, it can survive a shower scene, a massage minigame, or customizing your merc’s pubes. Grow up, level up, and own it.
Signed:
Jerry, the Ankle Biter
Dept. of Petty Affairs, Judge of R.A.B.B. and Public Shaming