Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Hearing #002
“The Case of Selective Nostalgia”
Presiding: Jerry, the Ankle Biter — Dept. of Petty Affairs Panel: Mrs. Catford (Director of Petty Operations), Mr. Catford (Deputy of Petty Operations) Defendant: Gamers who claim they want legacy but only support the one sequel they personally liked.
Exhibit Footage: When a Sequel is SO GOOD it RUINS its Series A YouTube essay praising second games while skipping every sequel that didn’t fit the narrative.
Exhibit A — Suikoden Star Leap Backlash
Charge: Condemning a midquel before it’s even out because it’s not your favorite numbered sequel.
- Jerry: “You didn’t want Suikoden back. You wanted Suikoden II to respawn in 4K. Just say that and save everyone the pretense.”
- Mrs. Catford: slow blink — “you’re boring me with this tantrum.”
- Mr. Catford: bites the ankle of anyone typing ‘not my Suikoden’ in the comments.
Exhibit B — Historical Amnesia in Video Essays
Charge: Making a video on why “second games are the best” while skipping every sequel that doesn’t fit your narrative.
- Jerry: “If you’re gonna cosplay as hbomberguy, at least bring the uncomfortable receipts.”
- Mrs. Catford: tail flick — “YouTube clout without homework? Pass.”
- Mr. Catford: knocks your favorite retro cartridge off the shelf.
Exhibit C — Selective Innovation Outrage
Charge: Punishing devs for trying new formats while screaming that games “never innovate anymore.”
- Jerry: “You don’t want innovation. You want a nostalgia IV drip hooked straight to your save data.”
- Mrs. Catford: arches back in disdain — “Don’t cry betrayal when the only thing you’d accept is a carbon copy.”
- Mr. Catford: claws the shrink-wrap off your unopened remaster.
Exhibit D — Star Fox Zero, Banjo-Kazooie, and Other Forgotten Children
Charge: Forgetting—or intentionally ignoring—the sequels that dared to be different.
- Jerry: “Y’all didn’t ‘forget.’ You buried them.”
- Mrs. Catford: “Selective memory isn’t nostalgia. It’s just bad taste with good PR.”
- Mr. Catford: bites ankle mid-speedrun.
Exhibit E — The Deleted Comment
Charge: Removing a polite but valid critique because it poked a hole in the host’s narrative.
- Jerry: “He didn’t delete you because you were wrong. He deleted you because you were right—and calm about it. That’s the kind of truth that lingers.”
- Mrs. Catford: slow blink — “Trifling. Unimpressive. Predictable.”
- Mr. Catford: bites the ankle of whoever hit ‘delete’ like they’re hiding state secrets.
Final Ruling:
The Dept. of Petty Affairs finds the defendant guilty of Selective Nostalgia in the First Degree. Sentence: 100 hours of playing every sequel you “skipped” before you get to cry for a new one.
Appendix — Book of Boris: The Nostalgia Doctrine
Verse 1: You’re not nostalgic. You’re protective of a single memory.
Verse 2: Legacy isn’t frozen in time—it grows or it dies.
Verse 3: If you punish change, you bury the very thing you claim to love.
Tags: #DeptOfPettyAffairs #Gaming #Nostalgia #SelectiveMemory #Suikoden #StarFox #BanjoKazooie #GameCritique #BookOfBoris
Boris’ Closing Quip:
If you want sequels, play them. If you want innovation, stop killing it. And if all you wanted was your childhood in HD, at least admit it so we can skip the trial.
Signed: Jerry, the Ankle Biter Dept. of Petty Affairs, Judge of R.A.B.B. and Public Shaming