Dept. of Petty Affairs — Tribunal Hearing #008
Case: The Dented Crown Demonstration
Exhibit A — The Exercise Store Assistant Manager
Ran into an asst. manager from the exercise shop near me.
He vented: his employees keep asking him to nuke their food and bring it back.
Could see it in his face—he wasn’t happy.
I told him:
“Stop burning for others.”
Exhibit B — The Knife Dream
He told me about a dream:
He shielded someone from a knife, and got cut himself.
I asked:
“What happened next?”
He said:
“I woke up and told my fiancée.”
That’s when I introduced him to the Dented Crown Protocol.
Exhibit C — The Crown Stomp
Protocol in action:
I’ll come over.
Snatch your crown.
Stomp on it.
Pick it back up.
Dust it off.
And give it back to you.
I didn’t just say it—I performed it.
Stomped when I said stomp.
Picked it up when I said pick it up.
Dusted it off when I said dust it off.
Exhibit D — The Gremlin Addendum (PSA Variant)
For humor’s sake?
I flipped it into a parody.
Stopped at the stomp.
Waited.
Told him:
“This’ll take a minute.”
He laughed.
I said:
“Booting up Windows XP…”
Then finally:
“Here’s your crown. Don’t do drugs.”
He cracked up, said he was glad he quit weed.
I told him weed ain’t that bad.
He said:
“Nah, son, it felt like a curse on me. Had to quit or I’d curse my family.”
Exhibit E — The Combustion Warning
As he left, I told him:
“I’m like 650 degrees Fahrenheit. Get close, you combust.”
He laughed.
I chuckled too.
But I meant it.
Exhibit F — Sprouts Sidebar
Meanwhile at Sprouts?
Dead freight. Coworkers pretending to “look busy.”
Store manager gave me one u-boat to clear, I did it.
Coworker pressed, crying about fronting frozen and dairy solo.
Three months in and I already see the script:
Some perform.
Some panic.
Some pretend.
Verdict — Tribunal Ruling
The Protocol stands. The stomp was clean, the hand-off sharper, the PSA addendum unexpected but lethal in delivery. Correction delivered with both humor and finality.
Mrs. Catford:
“If they can’t handle a stomp, they shouldn’t wear a crown. Pathetic.”
Mr. Catford:
“Next time, Boss, let me do the stomping. I got claws for this.”
Jerry the Ankle Biter:
“Booting up Windows XP was the pettiest flex I’ve seen in months. Chef’s kiss.”
The Clown:
“Hhhhnnngh—HA-HA-HA-HA! He gave it back polished and still left them singed! Oh, that’s rich—combustion comedy!”
Closing Statement — Dept. of Petty Affairs
I don’t burn for others.
I burn for correction.
Crown dented, stomped, dusted, handed back.
- Filed, stamped, and mocked in laughter.
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