Dept. of Petty Affairs — Tribunal Hearing #010
Case: Walmart v. Competence (Part II)
Filed under: Polite Execution Doctrine
Opening Statement
The Boss didn’t storm the gates. He knocked politely. Issue laid plain:
“I ordered Diet. You sent Regular. I am diabetic.”
Clear. Simple. Life and death wrapped in orange fizz.
- Mrs. Catford blinked, unimpressed.
- Mr. Catford flexed claws, ready to swipe.
- Jerry? He was already chewing wires in the back office.
- And somewhere in the shadows, The Clown chuckled—he’d seen this ending before it began.
Exhibit A: The Dance of Refunds
Walmart’s frontline tried their script shuffle:
- “Refund only.”
- “We can’t replace.”
- “Are you sure?”
But the Boss didn’t blink. No escalation, no raised tone. Just steady correction:
“I don’t want a refund. I want this done right.”*
Mrs. Catford purred: “That’s the cut.”
Jerry snorted: “Corporate hamsters hate when the wheel stops spinning.”
The Clown? He wheezed laughter into the void.
Exhibit B: The Turning Point
Cornered by courtesy, they cracked. Out came the fallback treasure chest: A $10 promo code.
Not much for them, but principle weighed more than the number. One cut, one bend of the system, and the ledger balanced.
Mr. Catford bit down hard: “Symbolic blood tastes the sweetest.”
Verdict
This Tribunal rules in favor of the Plaintiff: Boris Thuginski, Department of Petty Affairs.
- Correction achieved.
- Refund avoided.
- Respect carved without a shout.
- The Clown’s laugh sealed it: “Refund denied. Authority overridden. Promo code unlocked.”
Graffiti on the Courtroom Wall
"Wouldn’t be mad and pocket a $10 coupon if you’d be competent."
- Sprayed across the crumbling wall of bureaucracy.
- Every coupon is not a gift—it’s proof of failure.
Closing Note
Some would nuke the order. Some would demand blood. The Dept. of Petty Affairs moves quieter—correcting errors with precision cuts. For Walmart, it was a code. For us, it was proof: the scalpel works better than the hammer.
Judgment: Clean Cut Confirmed.
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