Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Hearing #FFT-001 to #003
- Case: The Early Grind Exploits of Final Fantasy Tactics
- Presiding: Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand (robe on), Mrs. Catford (Director of Petty Operations), Mr. Catford (Deputy of Petty Ops), and The Clown (unhinged witness).
📜 Exhibit #FFT-001: The Goblin That Trained a Revolution
Jerry (reading):
“On or about 1999, subject enters Ivalice. Upon discovery of combat mechanics, subject elects to beat down all hostile forces save one goblin, left half-dead. Goblin thereby conscripted into involuntary faculty, teaching the arts of JP farming.”
Mrs. Catford (snark):
“Truly a noble institution. Goblins University, where the tuition is blood and the degree is in Spin Fist.”
Mr. Catford (gruff):
“Chocobos got culled. Couldn’t stop patch-healing their own feathers. Goblins had no tricks left — perfect punching bags.”
The Clown (cackling):
“BAHAHAHA—THE GOBLIN WASN’T AN ENEMY, HE WAS A TEACHER!” [slaps the tribunal bench]
📜 Exhibit #FFT-002: The Circle of Hands — When Progress Means Punching Your Friends
Jerry (reading):
“Having secured Chemist training and 99 Potions per unit, subject advanced to Phase II: cross formation. Four allies beat the tar out of a fifth, sustaining said punching bag with constant potion application. JP gain infinite, story bosses rendered irrelevant.”
Mrs. Catford (cold):
“So the nobility writes history, but the commoners? They write lesson plans. Brutal, efficient, petty. I approve.”
Mr. Catford (snapping teeth):
“A circle of hands, fists flying, bottles breaking. That ain’t training. That’s a family business.”
The Clown (rolling on the floor):
“YOU MADE A SCHOOL OUT OF PAIN! HAHAHAHA! CLASS IS IN SESSION!”
📜 Exhibit #FFT-003: When Goblins Graduate
Jerry (reading):
“But herein lies the bureaucratic backlash. The system scales random encounters to your highest-level unit. Subject over-farms. Goblins, Panthers, and Red Chocobos appear in future engagements at god-tier levels, rendering random skirmishes lethal.”
Mrs. Catford (tail flick):
“So the goblins studied while they bled. They came back with degrees and vendettas. A poetic irony.”
Mr. Catford (growling):
“Fight story bosses for breakfast. Die to wild chocobos by lunch. That’s the price of overwork.”
The Clown (crying with laughter):
“THE GOBLIN LEARNED, JERRY! THEY GOT THEIR DIPLOMA! YOU MADE A MONSTER WITH A PHD IN REVENGE!”
⚖️ Tribunal Verdict
- Exhibit #001: Goblins employed as unpaid faculty. Petty, approved.
- Exhibit #002: Circle of fists constitutes a recognized dojo. Brutal, approved.
- Exhibit #003: Graduated goblins now terrorize the countryside. Consequence, inevitable.
Ruling: Final Fantasy Tactics is hereby recognized as the first RPG where education is compulsory, combat is curriculum, and goblins are the professors you never asked for.
Stamped:
Jerry 🐀 | Mrs. Catford 🐾 | Mr. Catford 🐾 | The Clown 🤡⚰️
⚔️ #RABB #FinalFantasyTactics #DeptOfPettyAffairs