Dept. of Petty Affairs Tribunal Hearing — Viking Tragedy Edition
Exhibit A: The Channel on Trial
👉 Actually Interesting (Main Page)
Tagline: “History married Entertainment and the baby born is this channel haha..”
Verdict:
That baby ain’t a saga, it’s fanfic misery with a sad violin filter.
Exhibit B: The Evidence
👉 Viking “Shieldmaiden Love” Episode
Gremlin Risitas Rewrite — Beat by Beat
[Gremlin Scene — Opening]
Gremlin leans on a longship mast.
“Born into the cold fjords, huh? Congrats — you’re already destined for trauma PowerPoint.”
1. Daddy General & Daughter Expectations
“Your father commanded men … your name carried weight … you would bear sons and strengthen the clan.”
Gremlin: “Translation: your only value is womb + last name.”
“History married Entertainment? Nah — patriarchy married ego and the baby born was disappointment.”
2. Meeting the Shieldmaiden
“She wasn’t soft-spoken … she wanted to fight … you trained together … then kissed by the fire.”
Gremlin: “Finally — a beat with actual joy. Two Viking girls falling in love. Should be saga-worthy.”
“But nah, can’t let happiness breathe. Cue the violins — misery producers enter stage left.”
3. The Mother & The Gossip Boy
“Your mother told you it wasn’t safe … a boy caught you … yelled the story in the marketplace.”
Gremlin: “Lemme get this straight. Literal Vikings — people who bite shields before battle — and the thing that terrifies them most? Two girls holding hands.”
“Boy tattled like medieval TMZ: ‘Breaking news! Lesbian spotted by the pine trees!’”
4. The Father’s Verdict
“Some called for your death … father silenced them but forced you into marriage.”
Gremlin: “He didn’t save you because of love. He saved you because his ego couldn’t take the stain on his name.”
“Not a father move. That’s a PR department move.”
5. The Miserable Marriage
“Married off to a man old enough to be your grandfather … mocked in public … unloved.”
Gremlin: “Your punishment for love? A Skyrim NPC husband with bad breath and no dialogue options.”
“They call it tradition. I call it maidenless cope.”
6. Reunion with the Shieldmaiden
“You saw her again in the market … met outside the walls … decided to run.”
Gremlin: “Two Viking women ready to risk everything for each other. That’s the saga. That’s the hero arc. But nah — gotta hit the tragedy switch again.”
7. The Capture & The Rope
“Dogs barked … guards caught you … tied to ships … pushed apart.”
Gremlin: “They tied Vikings with rope and said: ‘That’s destiny.’”
“Bro, have you met Vikings? They cut rope for breakfast. This isn’t fate. This is lazy After Effects.”
8. The Double Exile
“Two ships … no oars … no food … pushed into the mist … no saga would be sung.”
Gremlin: “So let me get this straight — the first gay Viking saga ends not with swords or glory, but with drifting like sad Amazon returns.”
“No songs sung? Wrong. The rats are already squeaking a ballad while I’m laughing.”
[Gremlin Scene — Closing] Gremlin rows up in a tiny boat, waving a plague rat as a flag.
“See, here’s the truth: they couldn’t handle you being happy. Because their own boats were empty. Maidenless. Ego-inflated. So they called your love ‘unnatural’ instead of admitting they failed as men.”
El Risitas collapses on the deck, wheezing laughter.
Graffiti of the Reckoning
- “Not cursed. Just maidenless.”
- “If you hate two women being happy, maybe fail less as a guy.”
- “Stop writing misery. Start writing sagas.”
👉 Main page trial: Actually Interesting
👉 Exhibit video: Viking Misery Episode
#gremlinrisitas #graffitiofthereckoning #deptofpettyaffairs #confirmedkill