🎬 DPA Case File #003 — *Toy Store Lockdown: Merry Murder, Ya Filthy Animal
Filed under: Dept. of Petty Affairs / Trash Cinema Audit / Holiday Warfare Resolution Protocol
[INT. TOY STORE – 3 A.M.]
The store looks like the aftermath of a sugar rush that declared war. Smoke, glitter, and melted Nerf guns coat everything. A stuffed reindeer limps by on fire.
PA SYSTEM (glitching):
🎶 “...it’s the most... wonderful... death of the year...” 🎶
CHUCKY limps through the rubble, dragging a half-broken Buzz Lightyear jetpack behind him. He’s missing one shoe and a good chunk of synthetic hair.
CHUCKY:
“Where’s that lizard army? Daddy’s got a clearance sale to finish.”
A horde of Gremlins pour in through the ceiling vents, each dressed like a different mall employee. One’s wearing a GameStop vest. Another’s pushing a shopping cart full of fireworks. A third is gnawing on a Cabbage Patch Kid like jerky.
[BATTLE ROYALE: THE FINAL SALE]
The first firework ignites. Then the second. Then all of them.
The toy store becomes World War III sponsored by Mattel.
- Chucky dives behind a Lego fortress as flaming action figures rain from above.
- A Gremlin hijacks a Segway and crashes straight through a wall of Funko Pops.
- One sneezes into a box of Pop Rocks and implodes like a Christmas ornament.
- Tiffany appears again on every screen, now with curlers in her hair.
TIFFANY:
“BABY, IF YOU BLOW UP THE STORE, WHO’S GONNA PAY THE RENT?”
CHUCKY (lighting a match):
“Insurance, sweetheart. Always insurance.”
[SILENCE BEFORE THE STORM]
Everything freezes. Even the flames seem to hold their breath.
A lone mechanical Santa in the corner starts up again. “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Both sides turn toward it — and the Santa explodes, launching a dozen glass ornaments like shrapnel.
Chucky and the Gremlin King (yes, he crowned himself with a coffee filter and duct tape) face off through the smoke.
GREMLIN KING:
“Yip-yip-yip… mine!”
CHUCKY:
“In your dreams, Furball.”
They charge. Knife meets claws. Plastic meets chaos.
The music swells — a distorted “Jingle Bell Rock” mixed with the Gremlins theme — as the two vanish into the flames.
[CUT TO — EXTERIOR, MALL PARKING LOT, DAWN]
Fire trucks everywhere. Reporters scramble. A melted Good Guy box sits beside a pile of singed Mogwai fur.
The camera pans over blackened snow, then stops at the store entrance. There, etched into the glass with a knife:
“SEE YOU NEXT CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLES.”
A faint laugh echoes — part Gremlin, part Chucky. Maybe both.
[DPA DEBRIEF]
Property Damage: Total.
Casualties: All plush-based lifeforms.
Financial Losses: Immeasurable.
Holiday Spirit: Unrecoverable.
Jerry stamps the final page, smoke curling from his cigar.
“File closed. Chaos contained. Holiday spirit successfully exterminated.”
He leans back, tail flicking, and mutters:
“Next up on the docket… who’s dumb enough to greenlight Myers vs Pennywise?”
Filed and witnessed by: Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair, Dept. of Petty Affairs · Glitch Council Liaison
Motto: Don’t bark — bill.
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