Everyone Gets Pressed — Sitcom Cast (Sprouts Edition)
[Freeze-frame: Gremlin kneeling in the cereal aisle, box cutter in hand, smirk on face. Yoshi noise humming like a theme song.]
Narrator (Gremlin): “Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in a store where everyone folds like origami, managers press harder than iron, and the only thing sharper than the box cutters are the jokes. Welcome to Sprouts: the sitcom nobody asked for but everybody pressed about.”
Cue laugh track. Roll character intros.
🎭 The Gremlin (Main Character)
Efficient, polite, untouchable. Yoshi noises, box cutters, and receipts. A furnace disguised as a raccoon. The chaos magnet and narrator of this show.
🥛 Ms. Dill Weed (Milk Dept Manager)
Pressed 25/8. Sour milk in human form. Every word drips passive-aggression. Believes folding = management.
🥛 Ms. Dill Weed Jr. (The Milk Lady Coworker)
The silent folder. Doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, folds instantly under Gremlin aura. Communicates only through side-glances and distance.
😂 Tee Hee Girl
Cute chaos. Spoiled energy, living for pampering. Loves attention, hates boredom. Brings lightness to the aisles… until she doesn’t.
🎮 Abby (The Duplicate Game)
The copy experiment. Always smiling. Always mirroring. A constant reminder that not all glitches need patching.
🍖 Meat / Bread Manager
The silent pressure cooker. Knows better than to poke the Gremlin. Stays in their lane, watches from the shadows.
🥦 Produce Manager
Panda soul. Too wholesome for chaos. Offers calm wisdom but knows not to stop the storm. Panda respect.
💤 Dill Weed 2.0 (Cory)
Snark crown. Tired bones. Can do goofy shit, but isn’t cruel. Secretly relieved someone actually shows up and does the job.
🛡 Badge Mama (The Retired Cop)
20 years busting fools. Now busting boredom in Sprouts. Sharp eyes, sharper stories. A quiet ally for the Gremlin.
🐢 Origami Turtle (Passive-Aggro Closer)
Lazy phantom. Known for lying about pallets, missing fronts, and folding into excuses. Paper-thin resolve.
🎈 The Try Hards (Balloon People)
Failed romance, clingy drama. They press harder, fold faster, and vanish when the air runs out.
🥛 Mr. 2% (The New Milk Man)
Milk-side grinder. 20 years in another grocery gig, doubled down with Sprouts. Obsessed with money, allergic to peace. Folds easy when called out.
🧹 Cameo: Dan-Man (The Pun Gremlin)
Maintenance / cleaner. Rolls through with dad-puns so bad they’re medicine. His laugh cracks harder than the baler. A cameo character, but every time he walks on screen, the laugh track loses it.
[Freeze-frame outro: Dan-Man bursts into frame with a mop yelling “Knock-knock!” while everyone else folds in the background.]
Narrator (Gremlin): “Everyone gets pressed. I just get paid.”
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