Gerald the Cactus — Fired Yesterday. Employed Tomorrow. Did Nothing Today.
Or: The Only Employee Who Can Get Fired for Doing Absolutely Nothing and Still Have a Job.
By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
A Jerry’s Marginalia — by Department of Petty Affairs
Ladies, gentlemen, assorted cryptids, and whatever the fuck is growing behind the refrigerator.
Today, we're discussing Gerald.
Gerald the Cactus.
🌵
That's him.
That's the introduction.
Don't expect a handshake. Don't expect a résumé. Don't expect a motivational speech about overcoming adversity, because Gerald hasn't overcome a goddamn thing.
He's a cactus.
And somehow, this prickly little bastard has achieved a level of job security that would make a government bureaucrat weep with envy.
The Employee Who Does Absolutely Nothing
Picture this.
Management hires Gerald.
Nobody knows why.
Nobody remembers interviewing him.
Nobody even knows whether Gerald is male, female, or an unidentified botanical entity that wandered into the building and accidentally got assigned an employee number.
But he's here.
And he's on the payroll.
Monday arrives.
Gerald does nothing.
Tuesday arrives.
Gerald does nothing.
Wednesday arrives.
Management notices Gerald hasn't completed a single assignment.
Thursday arrives.
Gerald does nothing.
Friday arrives.
GERALD GETS FIRED.
Finally! Accountability! Justice! The system works!
Except Monday rolls around again.
And there he is.
Gerald.
Same desk.
Same pot.
Same complete absence of fucks given.
HE STILL HAS HIS JOB.
HOW?!
WHO AUTHORIZED THIS?!
WHO'S SIGNING HIS TIMESHEETS?!
The Department of Petty Affairs Investigates
Naturally, this situation has attracted the attention of the Department of Petty Affairs.
As its chief raccoon investigator, I conducted a thorough examination of Gerald's employment records.
My findings were disturbing.
Employee: Gerald the Cactus
Position: Unknown
Department: Apparently all of them
Responsibilities: None documented
Attendance: Physically present, spiritually debatable
Productivity: Zero
Disciplinary actions: Several
Termination notices: At least one
Current employment status: Active
Explanation: Fuck if I know.
I requested an interview.
Gerald declined to comment.
Actually, that's not entirely accurate.
Gerald didn't decline anything.
He just sat there.
Because he's a fucking cactus.
And apparently that's a legally sufficient response.
Then Boris Thuginski Found Religion
Now, some of you may be familiar with Boris Thuginski.
Former Thug.
Current Lawful Neutral Paladin.
A man who traded indiscriminate verbal warfare for discipline, boundaries, and the occasional prayer to whichever God or Goddess happens to be accepting applications.
But let's establish something.
Becoming a Paladin does not mean Boris stopped being Boris.
The man still has a mouth.
The man still has an attitude.
And the man still occasionally looks at somebody and thinks:
May the heavens grant me the patience not to tell this motherfucker exactly where to put a cactus.
Unfortunately, Gerald exists.
And Gerald has spines.
So Boris has occasionally considered promoting Gerald from unemployed houseplant to sacred instrument of extremely questionable divine punishment.
Imagine the scene.
Some pompous asshole approaches Boris, demanding respect while offering absolutely none.
Boris closes his eyes.
Clasps his hands.
Looks toward the heavens.
"Grant me wisdom, patience, and the strength to endure this insufferable bastard."
A moment of silence.
Then he looks toward Gerald.
"Alternatively, you may get on your knees, pray to whichever deity you prefer, and contemplate this cactus from root to tip."
Jerry: "BORIS! WE ARE NOT USING GERALD AS A RELIGIOUS THREAT!"
Boris: "HE'S A HOLY RELIC."
Jerry: "HE'S A FUCKING CACTUS!"
Gerald: 🌵
The Paladin has a code.
Nobody said the code was free of profanity.
Even the Catfords Can't Explain Him
Mr. Catford would demand to know why this botanical freeloader is still employed.
Mrs. Catford would politely observe that Gerald has demonstrated more consistency than the entire management team.
Both would have valid questions.
Neither would receive answers.
Because Gerald has mastered something the rest of us have spent our lives struggling to achieve.
He does not participate in the bullshit.
Not because he's enlightened.
Not because he's practicing mindfulness.
Not because he's achieved some higher state of spiritual detachment.
Because he's a cactus.
He literally cannot participate.
And yet, somehow, the bullshit keeps finding him.
Gerald's Greatest Achievement
Here's the truly remarkable part.
Everybody else in this ridiculous multiverse has something going on.
Boris has his code.
Mr. Catford has his verbal artillery.
Mrs. Catford has her sharpened claws.
Jerry has his investigations, paperwork, and an increasingly concerning dependence on Purina Peppercorn.
Even the Gremlin has things to observe.
But Gerald?
Gerald has no established ambition.
No tragic backstory.
No grand destiny.
No five-year plan.
No inspirational LinkedIn post explaining how being fired taught him to become a better leader.
He simply exists.
And the world keeps trying to make something out of him.
Employee.
Former employee.
Current employee.
Holy relic.
Potential disciplinary incident.
Botanical workplace hazard.
GERALD DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF IT.
And perhaps that's his greatest contribution to this entire circus.
Not every character needs to save the world.
Not every character needs a redemption arc.
Sometimes you just need a cactus who gets fired on Friday and shows up Monday like nothing fucking happened.
Final Report
After an exhaustive investigation, the Department of Petty Affairs has reached the following conclusions:
Gerald is a cactus.
Gerald does nothing.
Gerald gets fired.
Gerald remains employed.
Gerald's gender is unconfirmed.
Gerald's continued existence is not contingent upon anyone's approval.
And Boris Thuginski is hereby prohibited from submitting Gerald as a reimbursable religious weapon.
Case closed.
Until Monday.
When Gerald inevitably shows up for work again.
🌵
Gerald the Cactus — Fired Yesterday. Employed Tomorrow. Did Nothing Today.
Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
https://theglitch.bearblog.dev/