Gremlin Resitas — Bird Maintenance Doctrine (FFTa2)
Door CREAKS.
Chair slides.
Controller clicks once.
…
AIGHT.
RUN THAT BACK.
SO I’m sitting here— watching people talk about
Final Fantasy Tactics A2—
AND I hear this:
“Worst class in the game…
Chocobo Knight…”
…
blink
…
WAIT.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME—
THE JOB IS BAD—
BECAUSE…
YOU HAVE TO KEEP
THE BIRD
ALIVE??
…
…
NAH.
NAH NAH NAH HOLD ON—
I GOT TWO HP BARS.
ONE FOR ME.
ONE FOR THE BIRD.
AND Y’ALL LOOKED AT THAT—
AND SAID:
“This is too much responsibility.”
💀
YOU GOT:
- SWORDS
- MAGIC
- ITEMS
- WHOLE INVENTORY LOOKIN LIKE CVS
AND THE LINE YOU DRAW IS:
🐤 “I refuse to heal the chicken.”
WHAT???
YOU WILL:
- MIN-MAX DAMAGE
- CALCULATE TURN ORDER
- ROTATE CLASSES
- FARM GEAR FOR HOURS
BUT A POTION??
ON THE BIRD??
“Too complicated.”
THIS is why the healer:
- wanders off
- gets lost
- DIES
- ruins the whole run
BECAUSE WHEN IT’S TIME TO KEEP
ONE EXTRA THING ALIVE—
Y’ALL FOLD.
“Chocobo Knight is bad—”
NO.
YOU JUST DON’T WANNA BABYSIT.
CALL IT WHAT IT IS.
YOU WANTED:
“Press button → win fight”
BUT THE GAME SAID:
“Take care of your mount.”
AND YOU SAID:
“Absolutely not.”
💀
I GOT A SWORD.
I GOT SPELLS.
I GOT POTIONS.
AND THE THING BREAKING YOU—
IS A BIRD
WITH A HEALTH BAR??
FINE.
COOL.
GIVE ME THE CLASS.
I’LL RUN IT.
I’LL HEAL THE BIRD.
I’LL KEEP IT ALIVE.
AND WHEN WE WIN—
DON’T SAY IT’S THE CLASS.
SAY IT WAS THE PLAYER.
…
Controller clicks.
Bird chirps.
Potion thrown.
END TURN.
🐤🔥
🧾 Jerry’s Note
- Filed by: Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
- Doctrine: If it has HP, it gets healed. No exceptions.