Gremlin Resitas — Bird Maintenance Doctrine II: The Fall
(The moment confidence meets reality)
Door SLAMS.
Potion bottle clinks.
Bird already breathing heavy.
…
AIGHT.
WE BACK.
SO REMEMBER—
YESTERDAY—
I SAID:
“JUST HEAL THE BIRD.”
YEAH.
ABOUT THAT.
TURN ONE—
CLEAN.
I’m locked in.
- Positioning? PERFECT
- Enemy range? CALCULATED
- Bird HP? FULL
TURN TWO—
Enemy looks at me.
Then looks at the bird.
Then looks back at me.
…
OH.
YOU PICKED THE BIRD.
COOL.
COOL COOL COOL.
40 DAMAGE.
AIGHT.
NO PROBLEM.
I GOT POTIONS.
TURN THREE—
I HEAL THE BIRD.
LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
TURN FOUR—
ENEMY MAGE IN THE BACK:
“AREA OF EFFECT.”
💥
ME: “...”
BIRD: “...”
HP BAR: BOTH DROPPING TO THE SHADOW REALM
NOW HOLD ON.
NOW HOLD ON.
I SAID:
“JUST HEAL THE BIRD.”
I DIDN’T SAY:
“DEFEND A VIP TARGET
IN A WAR CRIME SIMULATOR.”
TURN FIVE—
I’M SWEATING NOW.
I GOT:
- ONE POTION LEFT
- TWO ENEMIES LOCKED IN
- ONE BIRD LOOKIN AT ME LIKE “YOU SAID YOU HAD THIS.”
💀
DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
I HEAL AGAIN.
TURN SIX—
SOME RANDOM ARCHER—
FROM ACROSS THE MAP—
NO LINE OF SIGHT—
NO WARNING—
JUST:
“Critical Hit.”
💥
BIRD DOWN.
…
…
I’M STANDING THERE.
ON THE GROUND NOW.
NO MOUNT.
NO BUFFS.
NO PRIDE.
JUST VIBES.
AND NOW THE SAME PEOPLE I WAS COOKING?
THEY IN THE CORNER LIKE:
“So… just heal the bird, right?”
💀💀💀
NAH.
NAH.
Y’ALL DON’T GET TO TALK NOW.
LOOK—
THE CLASS AIN’T BAD.
BUT THE BIRD??
THE BIRD GOT A TARGET ON ITS BACK
LIKE IT OWES EVERY ENEMY MONEY.
FINAL VERDICT:
“Just heal the bird.”
…unless the entire battlefield decides that bird is public enemy number one.
Controller drops.
Gremlin silent.
Bird gone.
…
“...I should’ve picked a Paladin.”
🐤💀🔥
🧾 Jerry’s Note
- Filed by: Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
- Addendum: Confidence is temporary. AoE is forever.