Gremlin Resitas — Everyone Gets Pressed
(Pilot Episode: “Pressed at 418 BPM”)
[Opening shot: upbeat canned sitcom music plays, but the laugh track is actually El Risitas wheezing in the background. Gremlin walks through Sprouts like Kramer bursting into Seinfeld’s apartment, except with a pallet jack instead of a door slam.]
Cast Freeze-Frames
The Gremlin (Starring Himself)
Gremlin blitzes a pallet in 10 seconds, wipes hands, looks dead into the camera.
Freeze frame: “Efficient. Polite. Untouchable. The Furnace disguised as a raccoon.”
Ms. Dill Weed (Milk Dept Manager)
Shot of her pointing at a case of milk, already pressed, eyes twitching.
Freeze frame: “Pressed 25/8. Sour milk in human form.”
Ms. Dill Weed Jr. (The Milk Lady Coworker)
She’s mid-reach for a gallon of milk, freezes the instant Gremlin walks into frame.
Her whole body locks up like a deer in Jeff’s headlights.
Freeze frame: “Doesn’t talk. Doesn’t move. Folds instantly. Jeff aura forces her still.”
Tee Hee Girl
She giggles, spinning a cart like it’s a shopping mall.
Gremlin teases her, she blushes.
Freeze frame: “Cute chaos. Spoiled energy. Loves being pampered, hates being bored.”
Abby (The Duplicate Game)
Gremlin tells her, “I want a copy of you.”
She smiles, caught mid-grin as the camera freezes.
Freeze frame: “The Copy Experiment. Smiles every time, even when the Gremlin won’t explain.”
Meat/Bread Manager
He stares at the Gremlin from the end of the aisle. Doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink.
Freeze frame: “Silent pressure cooker. Knows better than to poke the Gremlin.”
Produce Manager
He gently arranges avocados like they’re newborns.
Freeze frame: “Pure soul. Too wholesome for chaos. Panda respect.”
Dill Weed 2.0 (Cory)
He’s shown flexing with a pallet jack, but visibly exhausted.
Freeze frame: “Snark crown. Tired bones. Secretly relieved someone actually shows up.”
Badge Mama (The Retired Cop)
She’s in the front, greeting customers with a warm smile while quietly scanning like she’s still on patrol.
Gremlin leans over to whisper a joke, both laugh.
Freeze frame: “20 years busting fools. Now busting boredom. Gremlin ally.”
Origami Turtle (Passive-Aggro Closer)
He sighs over a single box, stacking it like it’s holy.
Freeze frame: “Lazy. Phantom pallet liar."
Immortalized in the Passive Aggro Edition.
The Try Hards (The Balloon People)
Montage:
– Dill Weed 1.0 wagging his finger: “You won’t last 90 days!” → Freeze frame: “Guess who’s gone.”
– Frozen/Grocery Clerk leaning on Tee Hee Girl’s cart: “So, you free later?”
→ Freeze frame: “Try Hard. Failed romance. Walked out.”
– Vitamin Short Stack blushing as Gremlin kneels and teases “short stack”
→ Freeze frame: “System broke her. Star of Vitamin A1, A2, A3.”]
Opening Narration (Gremlin Voiceover)
"At Sprouts, everyone’s pressed. Some fold like origami, some pop like balloons, and some vanish faster than pallets at 418 bpm. Me? I just clock in, clock out, and leave ‘em wondering if I was joking the whole time."
[El Risitas laugh track erupts.]
Pilot Episode Plot
[Gremlin strolls into the aisle.]
- Ms. Dill Weed sighs: “We’re behind.”
- Gremlin stacks three boxes at once, mutters, “We’re not.”
- Laugh track.
Ms. Dill Weed Jr. freezes mid-step as Gremlin passes. He stops, stares. She shifts out of the way without a word. Audience wheeze.
Tee Hee Girl: “You’re mean.”
Gremlin: “Nope, just efficient.”
Audience applause.
Abby: “Why do you keep saying you want a copy of me?”
Gremlin (to camera): “Because mystery keeps ‘em smiling.”
Freeze frame. Audience cackles.
Origami Turtle sighs: “You’re fast.”
Gremlin smirks: “You’re not.”
[Credits roll at 11:01p and he vanishes.]
Episode Links (Canon Blog Crossovers):
#GremlinResitas #EveryoneGetsPressed #SproutsSitcom #OrigamiPressure #VitaminSaga #bearblog #DeptOfPettyAffairs