Gremlin Resitas v1.6 — Customer Happiness Ninja
I was looking for warehouse jobs.
Normal jobs.
Pick box. Move box. Scan box. Put box where box belongs.
Then I encountered a phrase that stopped the entire operation.
Customer Happiness Ninja.
...
[The Gremlin stops scrolling.]
Excuse me.
WHAT THE FUCK IS A CUSTOMER HAPPINESS NINJA?
Apparently, somewhere along the way, Customer Support Specialist wasn't exciting enough.
No.
Somebody looked at answering emails, solving customer problems, and helping people figure out why their account doesn't work and thought:
"This needs ninjas."
[Windows error sound]
Imagine explaining this job to your family.
Aunt: So what do you do now?
You: I'm a Customer Happiness Ninja.
Aunt: Martial arts?
You: Customer service.
Aunt: Oh.
You: Mostly email.
Aunt: ...
You: Sometimes chat.
[The Gremlin begins wheezing.]
And now I desperately need to see the interview.
HIRING MANAGER: A customer contacts you because their package hasn't arrived. What do you do?
APPLICANT: First I'd verify the tracking information and—
HIRING MANAGER: Wrong.
[throws smoke bomb]
HIRING MANAGER: YOU WERE SEEN.
MISSION FAILED
Apparently orientation is going to be interesting.
Monday: CRM software.
Tuesday: Conflict resolution.
Wednesday: Password resets.
Thursday: SHURIKEN FUNDAMENTALS.
Friday?
Casual dress.
Black pajamas permitted.
[The Gremlin looks directly at the camera.]
But here's the stupid part.
Underneath that ridiculous title is probably a perfectly respectable job.
Customer support can be miserable.
Somebody has to answer the angry email.
Somebody has to figure out why Gerald ordered twelve garden hoses and received a microwave.
Somebody has to professionally type:
"I understand your frustration."
while Gerald is responding:
I HAVE BEEN A LOYAL CUSTOMER SINCE 2007 AND I WILL BE CONTACTING THE ATTORNEY GENERAL ABOUT MY GARDEN HOSES.
That worker deserves respect.
Possibly hazard pay.
They just don't need to be a fucking ninja.
Because here's the other problem.
People looking for jobs search for jobs they actually recognize.
Warehouse Associate.
Shipping Clerk.
Customer Support Specialist.
Nobody wakes up unemployed on Tuesday morning, opens Indeed, cracks their knuckles, and searches:
NINJA
[The Gremlin slowly turns toward Human Resources.]
HR: We aren't getting enough qualified applicants.
My brother in employment.
YOU HID THE JOB BEHIND A SIDE QUEST.
Just call people what they do.
We don't need a Beverage Alchemist.
That's a bartender.
We don't need a Director of First Impressions.
That's reception.
We don't need a Customer Happiness Ninja.
That's customer support.
And don't you DARE give these people ideas and create a:
WAREHOUSE MOVEMENT SAMURAI
because I'm currently applying for warehouse jobs and I absolutely know some motherfucker would do it.
Responsibilities:
Pick box.
Scan box.
Move box.
Maintain Bushido.
[The Gremlin closes Indeed.]
You know what?
I'll stay with the boxes.
Boxes don't have branding consultants.
Boxes don't need inspirational job titles.
Boxes don't ask whether you're passionate about disrupting the customer-happiness ecosystem.
A box knows exactly what it is.
Box.
Simple.
Honest.
Reliable.
[The Gremlin gently pats the box.]
Good box.
...
[Box does nothing.]
Exactly.
You're hired.
Humor first. Havoc second. Continuity third. Warmth fourth.
The Gremlin didn't defeat corporate jargon.
He just found something more emotionally available.
Box.