Gremlin Risitas — Backbone.exe
(Gremlin stands on a castle wall wearing a half-torn vampire cape, moonlight glinting off a neon spine-whip.)
“Simon Belmont? Please. I’m Simon Broke-Back-Built-My-Own Belmont.”
Gremlin cracks the whip, lightning flashes.
“World wants heroes who bow,” he says, “but I’ve got posture problems.”
Every time someone kneels too fast, their shadow stands in my place.
I don’t slay Dracula—I invoice him for rent.
“If you come at me spineless, don’t panic,” Gremlin grins. “I’ll just borrow your vertebrae, give it purpose, and send it home educated.”
(El Risitas loses it in the background while Gremlin swings the whip like a jump rope, humming Castlevania music off-key.)
“Stand tall or get rewired,” he laughs, “I’m running a chiropractic ministry now!”
Thunder. Cue maniacal giggle.
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