🎭 Gremlin Risitas — He Learned Absolutely Nothing
(Filed under: Dept. of Petty Affairs · Basement Logs · The Patch Note of Shame)
Scene opens on the Gremlin hunched over a keyboard. The glow of a 144 Hz monitor reflects off a mug labeled “liquid hope.” He’s installing a game he doesn’t remember buying.
⚙️ Phase 1 — The Installation Saga
“Why is it 120 gigs?!”
He deletes three older games, one family photo, and something labeled tax 2023 FINAL fr fr.pdf. Steam pings cheerfully: Ready to launch.
“At what cost.”
🧠 Phase 2 — The Tutorial He Skipped
Game: Would you like to play the tutorial? Gremlin: “Absolutely not, I was born ready.”
Five minutes later: He’s crouching, shooting, reloading, crouching again, opening the inventory mid-explosion. Somewhere a tooltip whispers: Press F to interact. He presses G.
💀 Phase 3 — The Philosophical Collapse
“Maybe the real boss fight was the menu settings we ignored along the way.”
He pauses to rebind controls, opens photo mode, accidentally saves a selfie mid-explosion. The resulting screenshot looks like existential art. He uploads it anyway.
🔥 Phase 4 — The Illusion of Progress
Three hours in, he’s still in the starting area. Steam achievement unlocked: Persistent Idiot – Play 180 Minutes Without Advancing.
“Character development is for people with patience,” he mutters, looting the same barrel for the third time.
🕯️ Phase 5 — The Lesson That Wasn’t
Credits roll by accident. He has no idea how.
“What did I learn?” …Silence. “Good.”
He uninstalls the game, re-downloads another 120 GB title, and starts the cycle over.
— Jerry ‘The Ankle Biter’ Silverhand Tribunal Chair, Dept. of Petty Affairs
(Witness Statement: “I clicked ‘new game,’ but somehow it was a loop.”)
#gremlinrisitas #deptofpettyaffairs #patchnoteofshame #staypressed
🧾 Post-Mortem Analysis (v0.0.1 Early Disaster Build)
Objective: Learn something. Outcome: No. Bug Reports:
- Player ignored tutorial.
- Player became the tutorial.
- Emotional growth failed to initialize.
- Achievement system overwhelmed by repetition events.
Dev Notes:
“AI behavior of subject ‘Gremlin’ remains unchanged after multiple patch attempts. Recommend further testing once snack cooldown expires.”
Next Update Goals:
- – Implement basic comprehension.
- – Add auto-save before bad decisions.
- – Buff patience stat by 0.0001%.