🦝 Gremlin Risitas — How to Human (But Fail Miserably) — Part I
Title: Part I: Booting Human.exe (Why Is It Screaming?)
Format: 4-Part Skit
Status: Part I — Boot Sequence / Immediate Regret
PART I — “BOOTING HUMAN.EXE (WHY IS IT SCREAMING?)”
[OPEN — grainy Risitas-style chuckle under everything]
Narrator (you, already tired): “Alright. Today’s the day. I will human.”
[You stand up too fast. Knee cracks.]
You: “…System warning?”
Human.EXE: ✅ Congratulations! You are now conscious. Please select your starting difficulty:
- Easy (denial)
- Normal (anxiety)
- Hard (self-awareness)
You (no hesitation): Hard.
Human.EXE: Excellent choice. Loading consequences…
[Progress bar hits 7%. Stops.]
You: Why did it stop.
Human.EXE: Remember that thing you said five years ago? We’re thinking about it now.
[Risitas laugh spikes]
SCENE: MIRROR INTERACTION
You (to mirror): Okay. Objective: Laugh. Love. Live. No unnecessary wars.
Mirror (you, but louder): Bold of you to assume everyone will cooperate.
You: I just want coffee.
Human.EXE: Coffee unavailable. Please settle for existential dread, warm.
TUTORIAL PROMPT (CAN’T BE SKIPPED)
Human.EXE: Tip: To function in society, please care deeply about meaningless things chosen at random.
Choices appear:
- Social media takes
- Status symbols
- Someone else’s productivity
- A car making a noise
You (select NONE): I don’t want any of these.
Human.EXE: Invalid selection. Applying guilt.
FAIL STATE #1
You: Why is everyone yelling?
Human.EXE: They are validating their existence.
You: Do I need to do that?
Human.EXE: Optional. Side effects include burnout, insomnia, and podcasts.
[Risitas laugh breaks character for a split second]
END OF PART I
System Message: 🎉 Achievement Unlocked: SELF-AWARE AND TIRED
Next Part Preview: ➡️ PART II — “COMMUNICATION: SAYING THE RIGHT THING WRONG”
(Featuring: Being Correct, Still the Villain)