Gremlin Risitas — Lucifer's Workhorse (Ghost n Goblins — Part 2 of 2)
Lucifer stared at the newest folder.
"How bad is it?"
The gremlin adjusted his glasses.
"The game has become self-aware."
Silence.
Lucifer slowly lowered his drink.
"Explain."
The gremlin opened the report.
"Arthur was returned to Stage One."
"Naturally."
"The game responded."
"Naturally."
"The game now hates Arthur."
Lucifer blinked.
"The game itself?"
"The game itself."
The gremlin flipped the page.
A photograph appeared.
Arthur stood at the start of Stage One.
A weapon chest floated down.
Arthur opened it.
Torch.
Arthur stared at the torch.
The torch stared back.
"No."
The game remained silent.
Arthur continued.
He reached the first jump.
He missed.
A zombie hit him.
Death.
The game reloaded.
Another chest appeared.
Arthur opened it.
Torch.
Arthur's eye twitched.
"Okay."
"Very funny."
The game remained silent.
Arthur continued.
He reached the jump.
He missed again.
A second zombie hit him.
Death.
The game reloaded.
Lucifer slowly leaned forward.
"Surely it stopped there."
The gremlin flipped another page.
"No."
A third chest appeared.
Arthur approached cautiously.
"Please."
He opened the chest.
Torch.
Arthur immediately fell to his knees.
"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?!"
The game remained silent.
Somewhere in the distance, a Red Arremer laughed.
Arthur picked up the torch.
He stumbled through Stage One.
He burned zombies.
He burned crows.
He burned skeletons.
Eventually...
Against all logic...
Against all reason...
Against the wishes of both Heaven and Hell...
Arthur made the jump.
Silence.
Lucifer smiled.
"So he learned."
The gremlin looked at him.
"No."
Another page.
Arthur stood before another weapon chest.
Hope returned to his eyes.
"Please be the knife."
He opened it.
Torch.
Arthur screamed so loudly that several nearby demons filed noise complaints.
Lucifer buried his face in his hands.
"The game really hates him."
The gremlin shook his head.
"Actually."
"The game was willing to forgive him."
Lucifer looked up.
"Then why the torch?"
The gremlin pointed at the final report.
A photograph showed Arthur.
Standing beside three opened treasure chests.
All three untouched.
Arthur had ignored them.
Again.
The gremlin closed the folder.
"The game saw the audit report."
Silence.
Lucifer slowly sat back down.
"Of course it did."
The office door burst open.
A panicked demon ran inside.
"Sir!"
"We have another problem!"
Lucifer groaned.
"What now?"
The demon swallowed nervously.
"Arthur found the Axe."
Silence.
Lucifer and the gremlin looked at one another.
Both stood up immediately.
"Dear God."
"Dear Me."
And for the first time in recorded history...
The Auditor and Lucifer ran toward the same emergency.