🎭 Gremlin Risitas — “Portal.exe vs Project Blue: The Wily Protocol”
Filed under: Dept. of Petty Affairs · Cross-Contamination Division · Moonlight Containment Breach
Referenced Dockets:
“Somewhere between the moon and the testing chamber, the Gremlin slipped through a loading screen and woke up in the wrong franchise.”
He’s wearing a Portal gun on one arm, a Mega Buster on the other, and a name tag that just says “Experimental Asset.” The facility hums. Capcom logos glitch against Aperture wall panels.
Computer Voice:
“Welcome, Subject Blue. Please refrain from emotionally bonding with your android companion. She may be plotting to reboot you.”
Gremlin:
“Lady, I’ve bonded with worse code. Now open the damn door before Wily merges with the Wi-Fi.”
🧠 The Cross-Test Chamber
Every puzzle here runs on caffeine and copyright infringement. Turrets recite Wily quotes. Cubes hum the Mega Man 2 stage-select theme. In the distance, a monitor flickers — Cave Johnson and Dr. Wily arguing through static:
CAVE: “Science isn’t about WHY, it’s about WHY NOT!” WILY: “Exactly! That’s why I built the moon!” CAVE: “Wait — what?”
The Gremlin hides behind a Companion Cube shaped like a Servbot head. He whispers to Diana:
“If we mix their quotes long enough, we might open a sequel.”
⚙️ The Boss Fight Nobody Asked For
Sirens wail. A titanium face descends from the ceiling — half Wheatley, half Wily, all ego. It speaks in stereo:
“WELCOME TO TEST CHAMBER ∞. PLEASE DEFEAT YOURSELF FOR SCIENCE.”
The Gremlin rolls his shoulders.
“Nah. I’ve beaten this pattern before.”
He fires the Portal gun at the Mega Buster blast, creating a time loop of pure nostalgia. Blue energy floods the room. For one brief, holy second, the moon hums like a CRT.
🐾 Epilogue: The Patch Note
When the light fades, the Gremlin’s gone. Only a sticky note remains on the terminal:
“Dear Capcom & Valve, You both built cages out of genius. Maybe next time, build a window. – The Gremlin 🦝”
The screen blinks. An achievement pops up: “Test Complete: You Remembered to Feel.”
#gremlinrisitas #pragmata #portal2 #megaman #capcom #valve #deptofpettyaffairs #staypressed
✅ Achievement Unlocked: You Remembered to Feel.