🎭 Gremlin Risitas Protocol v1.7 — The Flex Tape Doctrine
Scene opens: a leaking boat in the middle of the grocery ocean. One Gremlin’s rowing with a pallet jack. The other’s holding a roll of Flex Tape like it’s holy scripture.
Gremlin #1: “So the boss said we’re a team.”
Gremlin #2: “Then why am I the only one rowing while you’re applying stickers to the waterline?”
Gremlin #1: “Because, brother, corporate said teamwork makes the leak work.”
They both stare at the boat. Another pallet of chips slides into the sea.
Gremlin #2: “We’ve got one pallet, half a pallet, three pallets of water, and two U-boats of nonsense. You think this tape gonna hold?”
Gremlin #1: “It better. I saw this economy in half.”
Cue lightning. Flex Tape shines like divine epoxy.
Gremlin #2: “You ever feel like we’re patching capitalism with infomercial glue?”
Gremlin #1: “Every night. Clock in, patch holes, pretend it’s fixed. Then the manager rows by yelling ‘We did it as a team!’”
Gremlin #2: “Nah, eat a 9-inch cactus, my boy.”
They slap one last strip of Flex Tape over the hole, hop out, and let the boat sink behind them.
Gremlin #1: “We done?”
Gremlin #2: “Done. Sushi run. Let the job float itself.”
Fade out to the sound of a distant cash-register ding.
Patch Note 1.7.3
- Added Flex Tape physics to all workplace leaks.
- Reduced empathy drain by 90 %.
- Increased sarcasm by 418 BPM.
Filed under: #DeptOfPettyAffairs #GremlinRisitas #RhythmBeatProtocol #CactusClause #FlexTapeDoctrine
This message approved by the Department of Adhesive Miracles.
Respect to Lil' J.Paul for steering through the chaos — Sprouts stays at Sprouts.
— Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand · Tribunal Chair (DPA)