🎭 Gremlin Risitas Protocol v3.0 — “The Insurance Paradox”
Scene opens: neon skyline. Two gremlins sit on a billboard that reads “McLiquid #47 — Now With Real Pickle Aftertone.” They’re sipping through glow-in-the-dark straws.
Gremlin #1: “So nobody eats anymore?”
Gremlin #2: “Nah, they sip existence. Balanced nutrients, zero guilt, infinite boredom.”
Gremlin #1: “At least no one gets fat.”
Gremlin #2: “Right. We beat obesity… and taste buds.”
They stare at the horizon as a vending drone hums past, dropping bottles labeled ‘Flavor Trial Patch 7.4.’
Gremlin #1: “Okay, fine. No one dies either?”
Gremlin #2: “Oh, they die—just on schedule. A clean ‘ding!’ and the fridge light goes out.”
Gremlin #1: “So what about insurance?”
Gremlin #2: “That’s the punchline. The whole industry was built on people dying early. Now they can’t cash in.”
The hologram of a smiling gecko flickers to life:
“Upgrade today to Existence Coverage™ — stay interesting or be archived!”
Gremlin #1: “So… people pay to keep being human?”
Gremlin #2: “Sort of. It’s a subscription to hope you eventually croak so the company can finally collect.”
Billboards scroll new offers:
Platinum Sunset Plan — Die Deluxe in 4K
Bronze Warranty — We Cry, You Expire™
Gremlin #1: snorts through straw “We killed fast food, ended sickness, and still found a way to owe somebody.”
Gremlin #2: “Capitalism never dies, it just gets reskinned.”
They raise their bottles to the empty city.
Gremlin #1: “To progress.”
Gremlin #2: “To never washing dishes again.”
Static. Laughter fades into the hum of vending machines.
🧾 Patch Note 3.0.6
- Added “Platinum Sunset Plan” to the irony index.
- Insurance department merged with Recycling and Souls.
- Achievement unlocked: The Perfect Scam — Eternal Premiums, Zero Payouts.