Gremlin Risitas — Ripley’s Return & The Council’s Caffeine Problem
Gremlin squints at the TV, clutching a mug that says “World’s Okayest Savior.”
“Sigourney Weaver says society would imprison Ripley for trying to help mankind.”
Gremlin nods, solemn. Then points at the coffee pot.
“Yeah, that tracks. I burned my hand refilling this once, and my reward was a write-up.”
Ripley saves humanity three times and gets jail time. Meanwhile, corporate interns forget to log out of Slack and get promotions. If that isn’t the real horror franchise, I don’t know what is.
It’s always the same plot: one woman with a flamethrower versus seventeen dudes in suits yelling, “Actually, protocol states we can’t nuke the site from orbit.”
Bro, the xenomorph has better communication skills than your management team.
“Son,”
the Gremlin says, going full dad-mode,
“remember: if you save humanity more than twice, it becomes a customer-service issue.”
He flips the “Do Not Disturb — Burning Monsters Again” sign, then wheezes out a Risitas laugh that echoes through the ventilation shafts.
“Maybe Ripley doesn’t need the world anymore… maybe the Council just needs better coffee.”
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