Gremlin Risitas — The Blanket Resurrection Clause
The furnace was HOT.
Not “raise voice” hot.
Not “throw hands” hot.
No.
This was:
“I am spiritually auditing every object in this room” hot.
So after the Great Phantom Peroxide Incident™…
I entered the closet.
And suddenly every object started looking guilty.
Blanket? Suspicious.
Random shirt from 2014? Conspiring.
Old game case? Accessory to chaos.
So I grabbed a blanket that smelled vaguely like expired household energy and launched it directly into the trash can like I was banishing a cursed artifact.
DONE.
FINISHED.
EXILED.
Then about five minutes later my brain rebooted from:
Furnace Mode
back into:
Functional Goblin Mode
…and I realized:
“Wait. Why am I beefing with a blanket?”
So now I’m standing at the trash can recovering a blanket like a raccoon paramedic performing emotional CPR.
Not because the blanket won.
Not because peace was restored.
But because somewhere deep down I understood:
“The blanket did not cause the peroxide incident.”
The blanket was collateral damage.
So instead of executing it permanently, I moved it to the garage: The Neutral Zone.
The DMZ of Fabric.
There it shall remain until further laundering negotiations can occur.
Meanwhile Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand updated the official household report:
“Casualties: 1 blanket emotionally detained.
Current status: Recoverable.
Cause of incident: The Peroxide That Never Existed.”