Gremlin Risitas — The Peroxide Catastrophe
My sister said:
“Can you find the hydrogen peroxide?”
Simple request.
Normal household mission.
Civilized even.
Then the gremlin entered my room like a raccoon SWAT team executing a no-knock warrant.
Drawers displaced. Objects shifted three inches to the left for psychological warfare. Lamp switch hanging like it lost custody of the electricity.
Me standing there after work like:
“Brother… this room survived hurricanes with less structural damage.”
So I knock on his door.
Calmly.
Like a man desperately trying to keep the furnace below critical temperature.
“Why’d you tear up my room?”
And this goblin apprentice says:
“I was looking for the thing Mom needed.”
No remorse. No hesitation. No “my bad.” Not even a DLC apology.
So I try one last time:
“Could you at least say sorry?”
This man looked directly into the eye of accountability and said:
“No.”
OH.
OHHHHH.
So my soul exited the lobby.
I walked into my closet and activated:
OPERATION: REMOVE EVERYTHING I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT
Games? Bag.
Random clothes? Bag.
Ancient artifacts from the Obama administration? Bag.
Half my inventory got snap-removed because my brain entered:
“None of this sparks joy. All of this can perish.”
Meanwhile the lamp cord looked like it survived a prison escape attempt, so I tied it into three knots like I was sealing away an ancient evil.
Then after the trash run?
I asked my sister where the peroxide actually was.
Kitchen.
Of course.
The entire household turned into a side quest because the item was apparently hiding in the Dimension of Common Sense.
And there I stood.
Sweaty. Spiritually exhausted. Holding psychic damage.
Thinking:
“I work twelve-hour shifts containing chaos professionally… just to come home and fight optional side bosses.”
The peroxide was never the issue.
The issue was the realization that peace in this house has the structural integrity of wet cardboard.
And somewhere in the distance…
Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand quietly updated the incident log:
“Subject attempted to maintain emotional containment. Household deployed Goblin-Class Environmental Destabilization. Furnace held. Barely.”