Gremlin Risitas — The Revoked Clearance Arc
I opened Gmail expecting coupons. Maybe a receipt. Maybe another “HEY BIG GUY YOU LEFT SOMETHING IN YOUR CART” email from a website I visited once in 2017.
Instead?
Walmart hit me with:
“We have deactivated your online pharmacy access.”
Brother.
The way my soul left my body.
They wrote it like I got stripped of command access to a biohazard containment bunker under Nevada.
Like somewhere deep underground a red phone started ringing.
Meanwhile the reality is probably:
“User has not looked at allergy medication since the fall of Rome.”
Corporate systems always do this dramatic nonsense.
No warning. No context. Just:
“Your privileges have been revoked.”
What privileges?! The ability to look at expired cough syrup from 2022?!
I’m sitting there staring at the screen like:
“Damn. They finally discovered I knew too much about the Flintstones gummies.”
Then the gremlin brain kicks in.
Now I’m imagining a council meeting.
A long table. Ten pharmacists in hooded robes.
One slowly removes their glasses and says:
“He hasn’t logged into the portal in over a year.”
Silence.
Another whispers:
“Deactivate him.”
STAMP. ACCESS REVOKED. ALARM LIGHTS. A bald eagle screams somewhere in the distance.
Meanwhile I’m over here trying to remember if I even used Walmart Pharmacy online in the first place.
The funniest part?
These systems always sound one step away from:
“Your medical wizard license has been suspended pending review by the Potion Tribunal.”
Brother I just wanted ibuprofen.