🎭 Gremlin Risitas — The Save File They Refused to Load
(Filed under: Dept. of Petty Affairs · Furnace Archives · The Nostalgia Inquisition)
The night is quiet. The Gremlin scrolls the feed with one eye twitching. Capcom posts another Resident Evil remake teaser. He exhales, long and tragic — like an over-boiled ramen packet of feelings.
Gremlin:
“So we got another RE remake… but still no Breath of Fire. No Darkstalkers. No Power Stone. My heart’s a save file they refuse to load!”
He slams the table. A nearby SNES cartridge rattles in solidarity.
🧊 Corporate Ice Age
He imagines the Capcom boardroom: an obsidian chamber lit by monitors looping profit charts. Each exec wearing shades inside, whispering,
“What if… hear me out… we remake the remake again?”
Meanwhile the Light Dragon from Breath of Fire II is trapped in a data vault somewhere screaming,
“BRO, I CAN’T BREATHE IN CSV FORMAT!”
The Gremlin’s laughter turns into that wheezy-sobbing hybrid only heard at 3 a.m.
🔥 The Spark of Memory
He clutches a controller.
“Gamers don’t want balance sheets, we want closure! I wanna cry in 4K, not re-buy the same trauma in HDR!”
Every studio exec:
“Nostalgia doesn’t test well with Gen Z focus groups.” Every gamer: “My dude, I am the focus group. Hand me the cartridge.”
🧱 Square Enix vs Capcom — The Temple and the Mall
He points at Square Enix like a preacher mid-revival:
“See that? They resurrect Dragon Quest III! Capcom’s out here polishing Resident Evil 4 until Leon’s hair has its own shader budget!”
The audience of imaginary raccoons nods. One wipes a tear. Another steals the tissues.
🧩 The Epiphany
“Gamers don’t want perfection,” the Gremlin sniffs. “We just want sincerity.”
He looks up at the ceiling, half-expecting the ghost of Ryu Bateson — the Light Dragon’s full name as listed in Breath of Fire Official Complete Works — to high-five him. Nothing. Just the hum of the fridge and the faint sound of the PlayStation logo booting in his soul. (archive.org · p. 21)
🐾 Verdict
Capcom forgot the difference between a franchise and a faith. Gamers remember. And every time a company chooses fear over love, another bonfire of memory flickers out.
The Gremlin wipes his eyes, mutters,
“Fine. If they won’t remake it, I’ll emulate it.”
He hits Run ISO like it’s a prayer.
🎬 Post-Credits Scene
Soft blue glow from the TV. Title screen: Breath of Fire III (1997). The Gremlin whispers,* “Maybe one day they’ll remember too.”* Then laughs through tears until the menu theme loops.
— Jerry “The Ankle Biter” Silverhand Tribunal Chair, Dept. of Petty Affairs (Witness Statement: “Yeah I cried and I meant it.”)
#gremlinrisitas #breathoffire #capcom #nostalgiainquisition #deptofpettyaffairs #staypressed
🗃️ Exhibit A — Lore Reference from Breath of Fire Official Complete Works
From page 21 of the Capcom artbook (Archive.org scan):
“Ryu Bateson — Hero of Breath of Fire II. Descendant of the Light Dragon clan, carrying the blood of the ancient hero.”
Additional notes beneath the illustration:
“The Light Dragons are said to be the protectors of balance. Their descendant, Ryu Bateson, awakens the dragon within to confront the God of Destruction.”
And in the character glossary margin:
“Ryu’s surname Bateson appears only in official documentation. Western editions omitted it; the Japanese release lists it in the manual and staff notes.”
Proof that even dragons have last names — if you know where to look. 🐉