🎭 Gremlin Risitas — “The Swing of Regret (aka Arm Goes Brrr)”
(Filed under: Dept. of Petty Affairs · Furnace Archives Sub-File ‘Tragic Biceps Division’)
It starts like any other night. The Gremlin’s scrolling through forgotten gems when a flash of chrome catches his eye. A trailer. A man. A grappling hook. A whisper from 2009: “Your arm is your wife.”
Gremlin:
“Excuse me WHAT—”
He hits play. And the flashbacks come swinging.
💥 Ten Seconds Later
“BRO IS THAT—IS THAT BIONIC COMMANDO (360) ENERGY???”
He doesn’t even finish the trailer. He’s already reenacting it in his chair—one arm flailing, other hand gripping invisible trauma. You can hear the 2009 filter kick in: crunchy guitars, amber lens flare, and an unearned sense of importance.
“Why does the arm have lore?! Why does the arm have marriage counseling?!”
The Gremlin’s wheezing now. He can’t breathe between laughs. The tea’s gone cold; the trauma’s fresh.
⚙️ The Swing-Psychosis Arc
Every swing through ruined cities carries the sound of unpaid therapy bills. That arm isn’t cybernetic; it’s emotional baggage rendered in Havok physics.
Gremlin:
“That man didn’t get a power-up, he got closure with hydraulics!”
And he’s right. Tides of Annihilation, E.O.E., and Bionic Commando together form the cursed trilogy— the Holy Trinity of Haunted Hardware.
| Game | Emotional Hardware |
|---|---|
| E.O.E. | Girlfriend = Sword |
| Bionic Commando | Wife = Arm |
| Tides of Annihilation | Legends = Debt Collectors with Spears |
🧠 Epiphany (and Slight Concern)
The Gremlin leans back, solemn.
“Maybe… maybe all early-2000s devs just needed hugs.”
The PS2 hums. The 360 clicks. Somewhere, Capcom sheds a single polygonal tear.
🐾 Verdict
Ten seconds. That’s all it took for him to recognize the Swing of Regret—the sacred art of making movement itself emotionally compromised.
And once again, he was right. Right about E.O.E.. Right about Bionic Commando. Right about the entire cursed bloodline of weaponized feelings.
🎬 Post-Credits Scene
The room is quiet now. Controller on the floor. Monitor dimming. The Gremlin sits there, one hand twitching slightly, and whispers—
“I miss when trauma had a grappling hook.”
And it all fades to black as distant laughter echoes from 2009.
— Jerry “ The Ankle Biter ” Silverhand Tribunal Chair · Dept. of Petty Affairs (Witness Statement: “I’m laughing, but the arm still hurts.”)
#gremlinrisitas #bioniccommando #tidesofannihilation #weaponizedfeelings #deptofpettyaffairs #staypressed