🦝 Gremlin Risitas — “The System”
HAHAHAHA— No no no, you don’t get it.
The system is working. Just not for you, John Doe / Jane Doe.
You thought the job was:
“Process the paperwork.”
Wrong.
The job is:
“Don’t be the person who fucked up.”
So everyone does the safest speedrun possible: Any% Delay Glitch.
Step 1: Collect Forms
“Please submit everything promptly.”
You do. Like a fool. Like someone who still believes in cause and effect.
HAHA.
Step 2: Send It Upstream
“Everything’s been forwarded.”
Forwarded where? To the Cloud™ To the Void™ To Steve’s inbox while he’s on PTO until January 8th™
Step 3: Enter the Queue
The Queue™ is sacred.
No one knows how long it is. No one knows who’s in it. No one knows who feeds it.
But everyone respects it.
You do not question The Queue™.
Step 4: Holidays Activate
Achievement unlocked: Calendar Immunity
- “It’s Thanksgiving.”
- “It’s Christmas.”
- “It’s New Year’s.”
- “It’s still early in the year.”
- “We’ll circle back.”
Circle back to where, motherfucker? The circle is a lie.
Step 5: Accountability Vanishes
HR: “We did our part.” Agency: “It’s pending.” System: “Working as intended.”
You: “I need money.” System: laugh track
HAHAHAHAHA.
Bonus Round: Advice From Spectators
“You should apply somewhere else.” “You should be patient.” “You should understand the process.”
OH. OH REALLY.
You mean start the tutorial again? Re-grind the same fetch quest? Reset the clock because the NPC is stuck on dialogue?
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Gremlin Translation (for the back of the room)
The system is not slow because it’s broken. It’s slow because slowness has no consequences.
Speed gets punished. Waiting gets promoted. And your urgency?
That’s a you problem.
Final Laugh (wheezing, slaps desk)
The paperwork isn’t lost. The job isn’t gone. No one fucked up.
They just don’t care how long you wait.
And the funniest part?
They’ll call it “professionalism.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
— The Gremlin 🦝💥