Gremlin Risitas v10.1 — The Pressure Cooker Protocol (Day 2 of 6)
Haus Morgenrot · Bullshit R Us Regional Headquarters · Everybody Wants Something Edition
Opening Scene
Germlin awakens.
Loadout equipped:
🥣 Oatmeal
⚡ Monster
🍯 Honey Bun
📖 Ichinose Deadly Family Sins
Mood:
"I would like peace."
Haus Morgenrot:
"Best I can do is consequences."
💀
Phase I — The Ten-Cent Financial Crisis
10:00 AM.
Free time begins.
Residents immediately migrate toward vending machines.
🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈
One resident suffers a catastrophic economic collapse.
Loss sustained:
💰 $1.10
Resident begins acting as though international markets have crashed.
Germlin:
"Brother, please."
💀
Resident proceeds to cuss out Germlin.
Discusses wealth.
Discusses assets.
Discusses financial standing.
Researchers confirm:
The amount under dispute remains one dollar and ten cents.
💀
Phase II — Hot Box Limbo
Groups happen.
Lunch happens.
Assignments happen.
Nothing explodes.
Several bags discovered trapped in Administrative Purgatory because somebody forgot paperwork.
Germlin observes.
Internal response:
"Fuck you, Haus Morgenrot."
💀
Mission continues.
Phase III — Facial Recognition DLC
HR deploys new face-scanning clock system.
HR:
"Look into camera."
Germlin:
"Neat."
Immediately continues using fingerprint clock.
💀
Researchers conclude:
Raccoon remains technologically adaptable.
Phase IV — The Rec vs Free Time Civil War
15:00.
Headcount ends.
Rec begins.
Residents immediately decide:
"This must be free time."
💀
Meanwhile...
From the Administrative Mountains...
Herr Nörgelmann appears.
📋
Herr Nörgelmann immediately concludes:
"A tech must have told them this."
Evidence:
None.
Confidence:
Maximum.
💀
Researchers conclude:
The facility has once again entered a self-inflicted side quest.
Phase V — The Pill Incident
16:00.
Herr Nörgelmann appears carrying medication.
Like a man presenting evidence before the Imperial Court.
💀
Question:
"When do residents take pills with them?"
Germlin's brain:
"KOP?"
"Wait..."
"Never."
💀
Scolding commences.
Words such as:
"Ugly."
"Brutal."
begin appearing.
For a moment...
The pressure gets through the fur.
🦝
The raccoon cries.
Not long.
Not dramatically.
Just enough.
💀
Then does something smart.
Visits HR.
Asks reality.
Receives reality.
HR:
"I'll handle it if it comes to me."
📋
Apocalypse postponed.
Phase VI — Hallway Cat Migration
17:00.
Dinner.
18:00.
Groups.
19:00.
More groups.
Residents continue displaying advanced feline behavior.
🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈
Attempts to keep everyone in one location remain largely theoretical.
💀
Phase VII — Building A Incident
Frau Donnerwache issues mission.
⚡
Objective:
"Watch Building A."
Germlin attempts trust.
Fatal error.
💀
Another tech claims coverage.
Coverage later discovered to be mostly philosophical.
Correction received.
Lesson learned:
Verify assignment.
Don't assume assignment.
📋
Phase VIII — Escape Sequence
22:00.
Clock out.
Security Guard begins discussing vehicle adventures.
Germlin nods politely.
Escape successful.
💀
Phase IX — Return to Entropy
Home sector entered.
Wine Side Quest activated.
🍷
Germlin hands nephew:
💵 $10
Objective:
"Please let this side quest die."
💀
Scientists remain unconvinced.
Phase X — Bath Lord & Soap Hydra
Home inspection begins.
🧼 Liquid Soap Hydra active.
🚿 Bath Lord active.
Statement received:
"You don't do your job."
💀
Researchers immediately begin checking alternate dimensions because observed reality does not match available evidence.
Soap continues disappearing.
Baths continue indefinitely.
The loop continues.
💀
Final Doctrine
"Day 2 wasn't about chaos.
Day 2 was about pressure.
Herr Nörgelmann wanted compliance.
Residents wanted exceptions.
The facility wanted accountability.
The house wanted maintenance.
The nephew wanted wine.
Everybody wanted something.
The raccoon wanted five minutes.
Five minutes never arrived."
💀🦝
Official Threat Assessment
💰 Ten-Cent Economist — Active
📋 Documentation Goblin — Active
👨 Herr Nörgelmann — Pressurizing
⚡ Frau Donnerwache — Operational
🐈 Hallway Cats — Wandering
🧼 Liquid Soap Hydra — Feeding
🚿 Bath Lord — Soaking
🦝 Germlin — Operational
💀
Filed By:
Jerry "The Ankle-Biter" Silverhand 🦝
Senior Hallway Observation Specialist
Assistant Director of Cat Containment
Acting Chairman of the Liquid Soap Hydra Task Force
Department of Side Quest Rejection
Haus Morgenrot Archives
Official Motto
"Stop carrying people who keep handing you their weight."
🦝
Secondary Motto
"Current ruling stands. Documentation follows."
📋
Emergency Motto
"I would like five minutes."
💀
Closing Statement
"The pressure got through the fur for a minute.
The raccoon adjusted the load.
The paycheck remains alive.
The apartment remains the objective.
Day 2 ended anyway."
💀🦝📋🏆
STAMPED AND ARCHIVED