Gremlin Risitas v10.3 — The Day the Apocalypse Forgot to Show Up (Day 3 of 6)
Haus Morgenrot · Bullshit R Us Regional Headquarters · Surprisingly Functional Edition
Opening Scene
Germlin awakens.
Standard loadout equipped:
🥣 Oatmeal
⚡ Monster
🍯 Honey Bun
📖 Ichinose Deadly Family Sins
Mood:
"Let's see what fresh hell awaits."
Haus Morgenrot:
"Actually we're going to be weirdly normal today."
💀
Phase I — The Fainting Side Quest
Approximately 11:01 AM.
A resident suddenly goes down.
Everyone nearby immediately enters:
Panic Mode
🚨🚨🚨
Germlin enters:
Task Mode
📋
Instructions received:
"Get a fan."
Fan acquired.
Instructions received:
"Get paper towels."
Paper towels acquired.
EMS summoned.
Chaos briefly blooms in the front area.
Researchers conclude:
The raccoon remains suspiciously calm during actual emergencies.
💀
Phase II — Wisdom for New Techs
A new tech witnesses Haus Morgenrot.
Germlin issues field guidance:
"This whole place is chaos.
If you don't know how to take care of it, it will consume you."
💀
Researchers note:
The trainee has received the ancient teachings.
Phase III — The Kitchen Conspiracy
Rumors travel through the facility grapevine.
Sources include:
- Federal clients
- Parolees
- Probationers
Conclusion reached:
"If enough people dislike you, they can make life difficult."
💀
Researchers classify this under:
Human Resources, But Medieval
Phase IV — The Herr Nörgelmann Inquiry
A resident attempts bait.
Question:
"How much do you think about Herr Nörgelmann?"
💀
Germlin responds professionally:
"I do not like him."
Resident then achieves the impossible.
He upgrades Germlin's threat assessment.
Transformation sequence begins:
🦸 Clark Kent
⬇
💀 Bizarro
⬇
💀 LOBO
Germlin:
"The worst thing you could do is make me remember your name."
💀
Resident successfully remembered.
Congratulations.
You are now on the watchlist.
📋
Phase V — Building Correction
Dinner approaches.
Incorrect building announced.
Chaos attempts to form.
Germlin deploys:
Command Voice
"Correct Building Name."
Residents immediately disperse.
🐈🐈🐈🐈🐈
Researchers conclude:
The hallway cats have learned the clipboard is not decorative.
💀
Phase VI — The Cult of Competent Henchmen
Residents continue teasing.
Germlin responds:
"I'm always willing to hire competent henchmen."
"Dental and health benefits included."
💀
Recruitment numbers remain disappointing.
Phase VII — Stand Back Protocol
Group transition begins.
Residents attempt premature migration.
Command Voice deployed.
Order issued:
"STAND BACK."
Residents comply.
Door closes.
Order restored.
📋
Researchers confirm:
Sometimes the loud voice is simply faster.
Phase VIII — The Vending Machine Tribunal
Snack period begins.
Ancient Vending Machine Elder arrives.
Experience level:
20+ Years
💀
Instructions issued:
"Watch them put the money in."
"Don't let them claim the machine stole six dollars."
Germlin obeys.
Residents obey.
For once, the snack economy remains stable.
💰
Phase IX — Front Lobby Commentary Team
Several departing residents receive unwanted commentary.
Front Lobby Chorus continues predicting doom.
💀
Germlin's position remains:
"I hope they make it."
Researchers conclude:
The raccoon is not soft.
The raccoon simply prefers not to kick people while they're leaving.
🦝
Phase X — Final Escape
9:15 PM.
Dress code write-ups completed.
15-minute break acquired.
One departing resident receives another verbal chewing.
Germlin attempts diplomacy.
Frau Donnerwache:
"Keep moving."
Germlin:
"Roger."
📋
10:00 PM.
Radio off.
Uniform off.
Trash bag removed from DLC Lunch Bag.
Uber summoned.
Escape successful.
💀
Final Doctrine
"Day 2 prepared for disaster.
Day 3 forgot to be one."
💀
The fainting resident was handled.
The medication apocalypse never arrived.
The Couch Hydra remained defeated.
The hallway cats mostly behaved.
The vending machines accepted tribute.
The paycheck survived.
Official Threat Assessment
🚑 Fainting Resident — Stabilized
📋 HR Doom Prophecy — False Alarm
👨 Herr Nörgelmann — Existing
⚡ Frau Donnerwache — Operational
🐈 Hallway Cats — Contained
💰 Snack Economy — Stable
🛋️ Couch Hydra — Defeated
🧼 Soap Hydra — Feeding Elsewhere
🦝 Germlin — Operational
💀
Filed By:
Jerry "The Ankle-Biter" Silverhand 🦝
Senior Hallway Observation Specialist
Acting Director of Cat Containment
Chairman of the Competent Henchmen Recruitment Office
Department of Side Quest Rejection
Haus Morgenrot Archives
Official Motto
"If it touches me, I fix it."
📋
Secondary Motto
"Stop carrying people who keep handing you their weight."
🦝
Emergency Motto
"The worst thing you could do is make me remember your name."
💀
Closing Statement
"The facility remained a hot trash fire.
The raccoon remained employed.
The apocalypse missed its appointment.
Day 3 ended anyway."
💀🦝📋🏆
STAMPED AND ARCHIVED