Gremlin Risitas v13.7 — The Legendary Phone Hydra
Some battles are fought with swords.
Some are fought with paperwork.
Mine was fought with Samsung phones, Cricket Wireless, duct tape, and pure stubbornness.
It all started with my Galaxy A53.
For a while, the phone had been giving me little hints that something wasn't right. One day it suddenly decided to boot loop over and over again before, just as mysteriously, fixing itself. Like any rational person, I assumed the universe was simply messing with me.
Still, I wasn't taking any chances.
I carried the phone over to uBreakiFix and explained exactly what had happened.
They ran their diagnostics.
They tested it.
They tried to reproduce the issue.
Nothing.
The phone behaved perfectly.
The technician basically shrugged and told me they couldn't find anything wrong with it.
For a little while, I believed I'd gotten lucky.
I hadn't.
The A53 was simply buying time.
During Day 3 of 6 at work, the phone finally decided it had reached the end of its journey.
No boot loop.
No warning.
No dramatic recovery.
It simply died.
Just like that.
Now, for most people, that's annoying.
For me?
It was a legitimate problem.
My phone isn't just a phone.
It's how I get to work.
No phone means no Uber.
No Uber means no work.
So replacing it immediately became Priority Number One.
Off to Cricket I went.
Originally, I had a budget.
Around four hundred dollars.
Buy a replacement phone.
Walk out.
Simple.
Life looked at that plan and laughed.
Instead of leaving with just a replacement phone, I somehow walked out with:
- A Samsung Galaxy A17.
- A protective case.
- A screen protector.
- A tablet.
- A tablet case.
- A tablet screen protector.
- A brand-new line.
When everything was finished, I'd managed to spend somewhere around $460.
Phone Hydra had grown another head.
The A17 came home with me immediately.
The tablet, however, had other ideas.
I spent the next day and a half waiting for Cricket's inventory system to recognize that the tablet physically existed.
The employees could literally see it.
I could see it.
The computer apparently couldn't.
So during my lunch break—from 3:00 to 4:00—I walked back over to Cricket hoping everything had sorted itself out.
The tablet was sitting right there.
The system still wasn't cooperating.
So...
I waited.
About fifteen minutes later, someone somewhere pressed whatever magical button needed pressing, and suddenly the tablet existed again.
Victory.
Almost.
Then came the screen protector.
The Cricket employee installed it with the determination of someone attempting open-heart surgery.
She'd smooth out one bubble.
Another would appear.
Smooth that one out.
Another would appear.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Honestly, I wasn't even frustrated anymore.
I admired the commitment.
Eventually she looked over at me and thanked me for being so patient.
I laughed and told her,
"Yeah, I may be one of the meanest, nicest techs there, but you've gotta have patience working the job."
She smiled.
The final bubble surrendered.
Mission accomplished.
My lunch break...
Not so much.
I'd basically sacrificed the entire thing to complete the Phone Hydra side quest.
At least there was one silver lining.
The hallway cats left me completely alone while I speed-walked back to the employee lounge.
I'll take victories wherever I can find them.
Looking back now, though...
The Galaxy A53 deserved a proper send-off.
That phone had survived years of abuse.
Thousands of Uber rides.
Six-day work rotations.
Boot loops.
More drops than I care to admit.
Enough duct tape to qualify as structural reinforcement.
It died wearing an OtterBox.
It died wearing a screen protector.
And on the back...
I had placed a sticker with exactly two words.
FUCK YOU.
To this day, I can't think of a better retirement speech.
I imagine the ceremony going something like this.
The old A53 slowly walks up to the podium.
The room grows quiet.
It clears its throat.
Looks around at everyone.
Then simply says,
"Fuck you."
It drops the microphone.
Turns around.
Never boots again.
Honestly...
After everything that phone endured...
It earned that ending.
The saga wasn't completely over.
I still had to reset PINs.
Move accounts around.
Figure out Tello.
Plan for eventually porting my old number.
Teach every app on Earth that I had a new device.
But the worst of it was finally behind me.
The Hydra had lost.
Not because I defeated it in one glorious battle.
Because I kept cutting off heads until it finally ran out of them.
Sometimes that's all victory really is.
Just refusing to quit.
The Galaxy A53 served faithfully.
The Galaxy A17 inherited the job.
And somewhere in a drawer sits an old warrior wearing an OtterBox, a screen protector, a strip of duct tape...
...and one final message to the world.
"Fuck you."