Gremlin Risitas v1.6 — The AI Interview Side Quest
I was looking for a job.
Nothing complicated.
Warehouse.
Shipping.
Receiving.
Pick box.
Scan box.
Move box.
Get paid.
Go home.
This should not require lore.
And yet.
I find a Warehouse Shipper position.
Monday through Friday.
Shipping orders. Packing products. Printing labels. Loading trucks. Using pallet jacks.
Normal warehouse shit.
I click Apply.
Fill everything out.
Submit.
And Indeed says:
APPLICATION IS PENDING.
Okay.
Why?
Complete AI assistant.
The Gremlin stops moving.
Excuse me?
Takes about 5 minutes. Help the employer get to know you.
Sir.
I have already given you:
My name. My résumé. My employment history. My skills. My certifications. My availability. My contact information.
What else does the robot need to know?
My favorite dinosaur?
My stance on the Byzantine Empire?
Whether I would still love the warehouse if the warehouse became a worm?
The Gremlin clicks nothing.
Indeed continues staring.
Complete AI assistant.
No.
I already have an AI at home.
Mine knows about hallway cats.
Yours doesn't have the clearance.
Apparently, however, this isn't even holding the application hostage.
Indeed says:
Complete by Sep 16, 11:59 PM to include responses.
Then immediately underneath:
Your application will be sent on this date.
Oh.
So you're not requiring the side quest.
You're just putting a giant blue button in front of me and hoping my completionist brain activates.
You motherfuckers.
I know this mechanic.
I've played RPGs.
There's the main quest:
Apply for Warehouse Shipper.
And then some villager standing beside the road has an exclamation point over his head:
OPTIONAL: Speak With The Employment Oracle
Reward:
+3 Employer Insight +1 Corporate Synergy Possibly nothing
Time required:
About 5 minutes
The Gremlin walks past him.
And I understand the idea.
Employers want more information.
Candidates want opportunities.
Technology supposedly helps everybody communicate.
Fine.
But there reaches a point where applying for a job starts resembling character creation.
Upload résumé.
Now manually enter résumé.
Answer questions already answered by résumé.
Create account.
Verify email.
Take assessment.
Describe yourself.
Tell us why you're interested.
Talk to robot.
Choose starting class.
Distribute attribute points.
WAREHOUSE BUILD
Strength: 14 Endurance: 16 Inventory Management: 17 RF Scanner: 18 Customer Happiness Ninja: LOCKED
Special Trait:
Can lift box without developing a personal relationship with box.
The Gremlin selects it.
The strangest part is that I'm sitting at my computer looking at an AI asking me to talk to an AI...
...while talking to another AI about how much I don't want to talk to the first AI.
There are too many robots in this room.
Indeed AI:
“I'd like to learn more about your professional experience.”
My AI:
“You don't have to do that.”
Me:
“Thank you.”
Indeed AI:
“But—”
The Gremlin closes the tab.
Hierarchy established.
And somewhere, an employer is probably wondering why people abandon applications halfway through.
Because applying for jobs used to be:
“Here's my résumé.”
Now it's:
“Before the Council considers your request for employment, you must complete the Trials.”
Trial One:
Re-enter information contained in résumé.
Trial Two:
Create password containing uppercase letter, lowercase letter, number, symbol, ancient rune, and the blood of your first supervisor.
Trial Three:
Personality assessment.
I rarely feel discouraged.
Strongly Agree Agree Neutral Disagree Strongly Disagree
I JUST WANTED TO MOVE BOXES.
Trial Four:
AI interview.
Trial Five:
Actual interview.
Trial Six:
Second actual interview.
Trial Seven:
“We decided to pursue other candidates.”
The Gremlin has gained:
+40 Experience
$0
So tonight, the Gremlin discovered something important.
Not every exclamation point needs to be clicked.
Sometimes the main quest continues without it.
The application will apparently send itself tomorrow.
Wonderful.
Send it.
The Gremlin has already supplied the relevant information.
He does not need to unlock the secret dialogue tree.
He does not need the True Warehouse Ending.
He needs somebody to eventually say:
“The job pays twenty dollars an hour. Can you start Monday?”
Then the Gremlin shall appear.
On time.
Wearing pants.
Possibly even enthusiastic.
The Warm-Core Patch
Humor first.
Havoc second.
Continuity third.
Warmth fourth.
The Gremlin did not defeat artificial intelligence.
He went home and complained about it...
to artificial intelligence.
...
Fair enough.