Gremlin Risitas v4.2 — The Calm Employee Update
Management:
“Why are you so quiet?”
Brother. Because if I fully unlocked emotionally inside this facility, the fire alarm would gain sentience and start filing incident reports on me.
I am not angry. I am compressed.
There’s a difference.
The clients yelling? Expected.
The random hallway chaos? Expected.
Movie night transforming people into absolute goblin mode over honey buns and microwave privileges? Expected.
But the real danger?
A tech walking up cheerful as hell at 7:04 in the morning asking:
“Where’s your smile?”
Sir / Ma’am.
My smile is in airplane mode until further notice.
I already used today’s emotional bandwidth surviving:
- the Uber ride,
- the rotating door of human nonsense,
- and the realization that half this building runs on prayer, dry erase markers, and undocumented procedures.
Yet there I stand.
Calm. Professional. Aggressively boring.
Like a raccoon in business casual witnessing the collapse of civilization while holding a clipboard.
Because the Gremlin learned something important:
If you become too expressive in chaotic environments, people try to recruit you into their chaos.
So now? Neutral face. Small nod. Documentation. Disappear.
The Boring Shield remains undefeated.
Filed under: Gremlin Risitas Protocol / Boring Shield Doctrine / Existence Simulator 2026
Status: Clocked in spiritually before physically
Signed: Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand 🦝
Dept. of Petty Affairs — Tribunal Chair
Doctrine: Don’t bark — bill.