Gremlin Risitas v9.9 β The Liquid Soap Hydra Protocol
ππ¦π
Haus Morgenrot Home Sector Β· Domestic Maintenance Continuum
π§Ό Opening Statement
Scholars once believed the mythical Hydra possessed many heads.
They were wrong.
The true immortal creature is:
The Household Liquid Soap Problem.
π
π§Ύ Phase I β The Discovery
Germlin enters kitchen.
Observes:
π§Ό Bottle at 100%.
Several days later:
π§Ό Bottle at 12%.
Several hours later:
π§Ό Bottle at 3%.
Several minutes later:
π§Ό Bottle deceased.
π
Researchers remain unable to determine how a family of humans consumes soap at a rate normally associated with industrial pressure washing equipment.
π§Ύ Phase II β The Investigation
Questions asked:
"Who used all the soap?"
Answers received:
"..."
π
Witnesses unavailable.
Evidence inconclusive.
Bottle remains dead.
π§Ύ Phase III β The Ritual
Most men would complain.
Most men would argue.
Most men would launch a congressional inquiry.
Germlin instead proceeds to:
π Soap Cache
New bottle acquired.
New bottle deployed.
Hydra Head restored.
π
π§Ύ Phase IV β The Loop
Several days pass.
Kitchen remains operational.
Humans continue existing.
Suddenly:
π§Ό Bottle at 18%.
Germlin:
"Interesting."
π
Several hours later:
π§Ό Bottle at 2%.
Hydra Head severed.
New bottle mysteriously appears.
π
π§Ύ Phase V β The Nephew Theory
Some scholars propose:
Nephew causes entropy.
Evidence includes:
- dishes β
- pizza β
- bathroom occupation β
- unexplained wall damage β
- soap consumption anomalies β
Research remains ongoing.
π
π§Ύ Phase VI β The Ancient Prophecy
Legend states:
As long as one bottle remains,
another shall rise.
π
The Soap Hydra cannot be defeated.
It can only be delayed.
π§Ύ Final Doctrine
"Kill off a bottle of liquid soap.
Another appears.
The loop continues.
The Hydra feeds.
The raccoon observes."
ππ¦π§Ό
Filed by:
Jerry "The Ankle-Biter" Silverhand
Department of Household Mythology
Hydra Containment Division
Official Threat Assessment
π Dragon β Manageable
πΉ Demon β Negotiable
π Hallway Cats β Containable
π§Ό Liquid Soap Hydra β Eternal
ππ¦ππ§Όπ