HUMAN POPULATION: 25% LESS SHIT
Words Are Cheap. Show Me What You Fucking Do.
By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
BREAKING NEWS: HUMANITY HAS BEEN GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME 25% LESS SHIT.
The response has been disappointing.
Corporate executives have requested a feasibility study.
Politicians have blamed the opposing party.
Social media has launched seventeen arguments about the definition of shit.
And some asshole has already started selling a $49.99 online course entitled How to Become a Better Person in Six Easy Payments.
Meanwhile, I am sitting in a dumpster, eating Purina Peppercorn, wondering how the fuck a cartoon snake from Hell managed to demonstrate more personal growth than entire departments of functioning adult human beings.
Welcome back to Jerry's Marginalia.
Today we're discussing redemption, accountability, love, hypocrisy, and humanity's remarkable ability to manufacture bullshit where none previously existed.
Our objective?
HUMAN POPULATION: 25% LESS SHIT.
Not perfection.
Not sainthood.
Not mandatory group hugs.
Just a modest reduction in the amount of unnecessary misery we inflict upon one another.
And here's the catch.
YOU DON'T GET CREDIT FOR SAYING YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.
You have to fucking demonstrate it.
I. WORDS ARE CHEAP, ASSHOLE
There's a beautiful lesson buried beneath the musical numbers, murder, and occasional cannibalism of Hazbin Hotel.
When Charlie Morningstar discovers that Vaggie has been hiding her past as an Exorcist angel, she's devastated.
The woman she loves has been keeping an enormous secret.
And Charlie has every right to feel hurt.
But Rosie offers Charlie a different way to look at things: consider what Vaggie has actually done.
Because here's the thing about love.
You can say it.
You can sing it.
You can write it across the fucking sky with a fleet of promotional aircraft.
But if your behavior consistently contradicts your words, congratulations.
YOU HAVE INVENTED ADVERTISING.
Vaggie lied about her past.
That's not okay.
But what do her actions reveal?
She spared a defenseless demon child when she was supposed to kill it.
She lost her eye, her wings, and her place among the Exorcists.
She stood beside Charlie when others laughed at her dream.
She helped run the hotel.
She protected the people Charlie cared about.
And when danger arrived, she didn't suddenly remember an urgent appointment three cities away.
SHE FUCKING SHOWED UP.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Her dishonesty mattered.
But so did her loyalty.
One doesn't magically erase the other.
And that's the point.
Judge people by the pattern of their actions, not merely the poetry of their promises.
II. THE SNAKE WHO ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING
Now let's discuss Sir Pentious.
This magnificent disaster of a reptile.
A theatrical villain with an engineering degree from the University of Questionable Decisions, an army of emotionally dependent eggs, and the romantic confidence of a damp paper towel.
He begins his journey trying to conquer Hell.
He ends it doing something remarkable.
HE CARES ABOUT SOMEBODY OTHER THAN HIMSELF.
He makes friends.
He falls in love.
He becomes part of a community.
And when those people are threatened, he makes a decision that costs him everything.
He tries to protect them.
Not because he's expecting applause.
Not because Heaven has promised him a premium membership.
Not because Charlie offered him a referral bonus.
He acts because he cares.
And what happens?
THE FUCKING SNAKE GETS INTO HEAVEN.
Somewhere, an entire celestial bureaucracy is having a collective administrative seizure.
Because the ridiculous little snake proved something important.
Redemption isn't a speech.
It's not a public-relations campaign.
It's not an apology carefully reviewed by the legal department.
REDEMPTION IS CHANGE MADE VISIBLE THROUGH ACTION.
And if Sir Pentious can figure that out, perhaps humanity can stop acting like returning a shopping cart is a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
III. THE MONSTER BEHIND THE SMILE
Then there's Alastor.
Oh, this charming motherfucker.
The Radio Demon.
A walking red flag with excellent posture, impeccable manners, and a smile that looks like it was permanently installed by an extremely hostile dentist.
He's manipulative.
He's cruel.
He's dangerous.
And yet...
There's something strangely endearing about him.
Watch him around Rosie.
Watch his interactions with Niffty.
Watch how he behaves around Charlie, especially when Lucifer arrives and the two of them practically start a custody battle over a grown woman.
It's ridiculous.
It's petty.
It's hilarious.
And beneath the theatrical bullshit, you begin to wonder whether Alastor might genuinely care about some of these people.
Maybe he does.
Maybe he doesn't.
His motives remain complicated.
But that's what makes him interesting.
A MONSTER CAN STILL HAVE A PERSON BEHIND THE MASK.
Does that excuse his cruelty?
Absolutely fucking not.
A charming personality is not a coupon for free atrocities.
But neither should we pretend that people are incapable of affection simply because they've done terrible things.
And Charlie?
That adorable little puppy-nosed princess might be the most dangerous person Alastor has ever encountered.
Not because she can overpower him.
Not because she can intimidate him.
But because she offers him something he cannot easily control.
Genuine kindness without an invoice attached.
Imagine that.
Someone being nice to you without demanding payment, loyalty, access, or a fucking subscription.
Revolutionary technology.
Somebody notify Silicon Valley.
IV. THE LOCALUV SCHOOL OF EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTING
And speaking of invoices...
Let's discuss a particular modern plague.
TRANSACTIONAL AFFECTION.
You know the routine.
Someone tells you how special you are.
How much they enjoy talking to you.
How deeply they feel connected to you.
How they've never met anybody quite like you.
And then, right on schedule:
"Sweetheart, I sent you something special. Unlock it for $5.99."
Well, isn't that fucking romantic?
Nothing says genuine emotional intimacy like a paywall and an expiration timer.
Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with paying for entertainment.
Adults can buy content.
People can flirt.
People can roleplay.
People can enjoy a fantasy without pretending it's a marriage proposal.
AN ILLUSION IS ENTERTAINMENT. DECEPTION DESIGNED TO EMPTY YOUR WALLET IS BULLSHIT.
The problem begins when affection becomes a sales tactic.
When someone claims to care, but every interaction seems to lead toward another purchase.
When your boundaries are acknowledged in words but ignored in practice.
And here's where Vaggie's story becomes relevant.
Don't merely ask what someone says.
ASK WHAT THEIR ACTIONS ARE TELLING YOU.
Do they respect your boundaries?
Can they have a conversation without asking for money?
Do they accept the word no?
Does their behavior remain consistent when there's nothing to gain?
You don't need to read their mind.
You don't need to prove whether they're a bot, an operator, or an unusually persuasive toaster.
You can judge the behavior right in front of you.
And if that behavior keeps violating your boundaries?
THROW THE DEUCES.
No theatrical courtroom proceeding required.
No seventy-three-page emotional audit.
No additional payment to unlock the truth.
Just goodbye.
The Paladin has left the dungeon.
The mimic can keep its treasure chest.
V. CORPORATE HUMANITY: NOW WITH 40% MORE BULLSHIT
Of course, we cannot discuss the difference between words and actions without visiting humanity's most accomplished bullshit manufacturing facility.
THE CORPORATE WORLD.
Ah, yes.
Where every employee is family until the spreadsheet develops an appetite.
Where management values transparency but communicates through seventeen layers of administrative fog.
Where loyalty is expected, accountability is optional, and compassion apparently requires executive authorization.
You've heard the speeches.
"Our people are our greatest asset."
Beautiful.
Inspiring.
Almost brought a tear to my little raccoon eye.
Now let's examine the actions.
When an employee needs help, do you help?
When someone makes a mistake, do you provide the training you promised?
When a difficult decision must be made, do you communicate promptly and honestly?
When someone's livelihood hangs in the balance, do you remember that bills don't stop arriving while management deliberates?
Or do you hide behind a wall of carefully sterilized corporate language?
Because here's a fascinating discovery.
YOU CANNOT PAY RENT WITH A COMPANY'S CORE VALUES.
Try it.
Walk into your landlord's office and hand over a laminated mission statement.
"I'm sorry, but my employer believes in integrity, teamwork, and continuous improvement."
Wonderful.
That'll be $900.
Words are cheap.
Actions are where the heart is.
And if your organization's behavior contradicts its values, perhaps those values are nothing more than decorative wallpaper covering a very expensive pile of shit.
VI. THE DEPARTMENT OF PETTY AFFAIRS PROPOSES A SOLUTION
We are not asking humanity to become perfect.
Frankly, I've seen enough of your species to recognize that perfection would require divine intervention, extensive software updates, and possibly a factory recall.
We are asking for something considerably simpler.
TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT LESS BULLSHIT.
Imagine:
People admitting when they're wrong instead of inventing elaborate excuses.
Employers treating workers like human beings instead of replaceable office furniture.
Friends keeping promises they actually intend to honor.
Romantic interests respecting boundaries without turning affection into a financial extraction operation.
Strangers choosing not to make someone else's already difficult day worse.
And people understanding that kindness is not the same thing as weakness.
You don't have to love everybody.
You don't have to forgive everybody.
You don't have to keep someone in your life simply because they claim they've changed.
REDEMPTION DOES NOT ENTITLE ANYONE TO YOUR TRUST.
Trust has to be rebuilt.
Through behavior.
Through consistency.
Through time.
And sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is wish somebody well while keeping your distance.
LISTEN WITH INTEREST, NOT INVESTMENT.
Observe.
Evaluate.
And let people show you who they are.
VII. THE OFFICIAL HUMANITY QUALITY ASSURANCE REPORT
DEPARTMENT OF PETTY AFFAIRS
PROJECT: HUMAN POPULATION — 25% LESS SHIT
Current bullshit index: 100%
Target bullshit index: 75%
Required reduction: 25%
Estimated implementation cost: A functioning conscience and occasional humility.
Known obstacles: Ego, greed, hypocrisy, dishonesty, and people who believe being loud makes them correct.
PROPOSED ACCEPTANCE TESTS:
Did you keep your word?
Did you respect someone's boundaries?
Did you admit your mistake?
Did you help when helping wasn't profitable?
Did you avoid making somebody else's life unnecessarily miserable?
Did you demonstrate care through your behavior rather than merely announcing it?
If yes, congratulations.
You may be contributing to humanity's first measurable reduction in unnecessary assholery.
If no, please return to the training module.
And no, you cannot skip the video.
GERALD, STOP CLICKING NEXT.
VIII. THE HEART BEHIND THE JOKE
Now, before somebody mistakes this article for a declaration of war against the entire human species, allow me to clarify something.
I DON'T WANT HUMANITY TO FAIL.
That's why I'm complaining.
That's why I'm laughing.
That's why I'm sitting here with a typewriter, a dumpster, and an increasingly unreasonable supply of peppercorns.
Because somewhere underneath all the bullshit, I still believe people are capable of being better.
I've seen people show kindness when they had nothing to gain.
I've seen people change.
I've seen people stand beside others when walking away would have been easier.
And I've seen how much even a small act of decency can mean to somebody who's already carrying more than their share of life's misery.
That's why Charlie Morningstar makes me smile.
She's not asking sinners to pretend they've never done anything wrong.
She's asking whether they can become something better.
And that's why Vaggie's story matters.
Her past was ugly.
Her secret hurt somebody she loved.
But her actions demonstrated that she was no longer simply the person she'd once been.
And that's why Sir Pentious matters.
Because when the moment came, he didn't just talk about becoming better.
HE FUCKING DID SOMETHING.
And that's the entire point of this ridiculous little manifesto.
You can say you love someone.
You can say you value honesty.
You can say you believe in compassion.
You can say you're a good person.
But eventually, life asks a very simple question:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Because words are cheap.
Promises are cheap.
Performative kindness is cheap.
ACTIONS ARE WHERE THE HEART SHOWS ITSELF.
And if humanity could remember that for even twenty-five percent more of its waking existence...
Maybe we'd have fewer people hurting.
Fewer people being manipulated.
Fewer people abandoned when they need support.
And a few more reasons to believe this absurd little species might actually be worth saving.
Not because everyone deserves unlimited chances.
Not because every monster secretly has a heart of gold.
But because people who genuinely want to change can demonstrate that change.
One decision at a time.
One act of decency at a time.
One less unnecessary piece of bullshit at a time.
HUMAN POPULATION: 25% LESS SHIT.
It's not an impossible dream.
It's a fucking minimum standard.
And if a snake with talking eggs can figure it out, I refuse to believe the rest of you are entirely hopeless.
Now excuse me.
I have a dumpster to inspect, a cactus to interrogate, and several corporate ankles requiring immediate administrative correction.
JERRY OUT.
Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
- Department of Petty Affairs
- Office of Redemption, Accountability & Unnecessary Bullshit Reduction
Official Motto:
Be boring. Keep your word. Respect the boundary. Let your actions do the talking.
Final Notice: No redemption certificates will be issued on the basis of speeches, promises, profile descriptions, corporate mission statements, or unsolicited photographs.
SHOW YOUR FUCKING WORK.