I DON'T WANT TO CHASE YOUR FUCKING GOLDEN HAND.
Or: The Rat Empire, the Missing Samsung, and Why I'm Tired of Working Just to Get the Chance to Work.
By Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
A Jerry’s Marginalia — by Department of Petty Affairs
Ladies, gentlemen, unemployed adventurers, exhausted dungeon crawlers, and whatever the fuck Gerald the Cactus is doing with an eBay seller account.
Welcome back.
Today, the Department of Petty Affairs would like to discuss something that apparently requires a doctorate in advanced bullshit.
BUYING A FUCKING PHONE.
Not stealing one.
Not demanding one for free.
Not asking Samsung to personally deliver its latest flagship smartphone on a golden pillow carried by six trained raccoons.
BUYING. ONE. PHONE.
With money.
From somebody advertising phones for sale.
A concept so breathtakingly complicated that modern commerce has apparently decided to turn it into a limited-time dungeon encounter.
And before somebody tells me to calm down, allow me to explain why this particular adventure managed to piss off the Lawfully Neutral Paladin.
Because this isn't really about a Samsung anymore.
It's about being exhausted by systems that make you work unnecessarily hard just to get the opportunity to do something useful.
Chapter One: I Am Trying to Spend Money So I Can Make Money.
Our protagonist is Boris Thuginski.
Still Boris.
Formerly the Thug.
Currently the Lawfully Neutral Paladin.
A man who has learned that restraint is preferable to deploying an entire naval bombardment of profanity every time somebody does something stupid.
Although, admittedly, some people seem determined to test that restraint.
The Paladin is unemployed.
His adventures at Haus Morgenrot ended in September, following weeks of uncertainty, accusations, and management decisions that left him wondering whether the establishment's official operating procedure was simply:
"IDK, LOL."
Since then, he's been applying for jobs, attending interviews, watching his finances, and trying to find a way back into paid employment.
Then along comes Project Sonnet.
An opportunity to potentially earn money recording ordinary household activities from a first-person perspective.
Wonderful.
Not guaranteed income. Not a magical money printer. Actual work with requirements that have to be satisfied.
But there's a catch.
The Paladin's Samsung Galaxy A17 5G isn't on the project's approved recording-device list.
He needs a compatible phone.
A Samsung Galaxy S21 would do.
A used one.
A working one.
Nothing fancy.
JUST A FUCKING PHONE THAT CAN RECORD VIDEO.
So off to eBay we go.
And that's where the Golden Hand appeared.
Chapter Two: A Rare Shadow Has Appeared!
For those unfamiliar with Persona 3 FES, allow me to explain.
Sometimes, while exploring Tartarus, you encounter rare Golden Hand enemies.
They're valuable.
They're elusive.
And they have a habit of making you chase them before they escape.
An entertaining little mechanic when you're playing a video game.
A considerably less entertaining mechanic when you're trying to purchase equipment for work.
Our Paladin finds an eBay seller offering Samsung phones.
Starting bids of one dollar.
Eight dollars shipping.
Hundreds of listings.
Thousands of feedback ratings.
Fantastic!
Surely we can identify a suitable Galaxy S21, check its condition, and place a bid.
Except the listing uses a generic picture of an iPhone.
AN IPHONE.
For a Samsung Galaxy S21.
And not just one listing, either.
Other Samsung listings display the same generic iPhone image.
Apparently, product photography has become an optional side quest.
The Paladin politely messages the seller.
He asks about the phone's condition.
Its cameras.
Its touchscreen.
Its battery.
Its carrier status.
Whether it's locked.
Whether there are any defects.
Whether the seller can provide photographs of the actual device.
In other words:
HE ASKS THE QUESTIONS A RESPONSIBLE BUYER SHOULD ASK BEFORE SPENDING MONEY.
Exhibit A: A Customer Actually Attempted Communication.
And the response?
Nothing by the time of our latest check.
Now, nobody is required to answer a message instantaneously.
We understand that.
But the auction clock doesn't wait for the seller's inbox.
And the buyer doesn't have unlimited time to investigate a mystery smartphone.
Chapter Three: BID NOW! EXCEPT YOU FUCKING CAN'T.
The eBay watchlist says:
BID NOW.
Excellent.
We click.
The listing says:
RESERVED FOR LIVE EVENT.
Excuse me?
What happened to BID NOW?
Apparently, we must participate in an eBay livestream.
Fine.
We can adapt.
We find the seller's storefront.
We search through hundreds of listings.
We identify Samsung model numbers.
We compare the S21, S22, and S23.
We avoid the S21 FE because that particular model isn't on the compatibility list we're working from.
We open more tabs.
And more tabs.
AND MORE FUCKING TABS.
At this point, the browser looks less like somebody shopping for a phone and more like a government investigation into organized electronic nonsense.
Finally, we locate the livestream.
The event is advertised for 10:00 AM.
We get there.
We prepare to participate.
And then—
THE FUCKING EVENT ENDS.
Around fifteen minutes after its scheduled start.
We don't know whether fifteen minutes was its planned duration.
What we do know is that the opportunity disappeared while we were still trying to navigate the buying process.
The Golden Samsung has fled!
NO EXP.
NO ZENY.
NO FUCKING PHONE.
Somewhere, an Atlus sound designer should be playing the world's saddest victory jingle.
Chapter Four: Four Thousand Feedback Ratings and a Mystery iPhone.
Now here's where things become especially interesting.
The seller has thousands of feedback ratings and an overwhelmingly positive overall score.
Good for them.
Seriously.
Satisfied customers are a good thing.
But when the Paladin starts examining the negative and neutral feedback, he finds complaints about phones allegedly arriving locked, incorrectly described, defective, or different from what buyers expected.
One buyer reports camera problems.
Another reports receiving the wrong phone.
Others describe disagreements over carrier restrictions or device condition.
These are buyer reports, not independent proof that every allegation is correct.
But they raise exactly the questions our Paladin was trying to resolve before bidding.
And then comes the magnificent irony.
In one feedback dispute, the seller suggests that a buyer should have asked questions beforehand.
ASKED QUESTIONS.
Jerry slowly turns toward Exhibit A.
Jerry: "BROTHER."
Paladin: "What?"
Jerry: "WE FUCKING DID."
Gerald: 🌵
Jerry: "AND YOU CAN PUT THAT CACTUS DOWN."
Let's be clear about something.
A seller can have a legitimate positive feedback record and still offer a frustrating purchasing experience.
A buyer can misunderstand a listing.
A seller can disagree with a complaint.
And none of those possibilities changes what happened to us.
We tried to establish what was being sold.
We tried to obtain clarification.
We tried to participate in the advertised auction.
And we left empty-handed.
The overall feedback score doesn't magically transform that experience into a pleasant one.
Chapter Five: Kajira, the Huntmother, Has Entered the Chat.
Now, dear reader, you might be wondering why this particular Samsung adventure managed to irritate our protagonist so thoroughly.
Surely it's just a missed auction?
Surely he can find another phone?
Yes.
He can.
But there's some history here.
Allow me to introduce:
KAJIRA, THE HUNTMOTHER.
Sovereign of the Rat Empire.
A character from Ragnarok X: Next Generation.
And the centerpiece of one of the most ridiculous, ambitious, and lovingly organized operations ever assembled around a collection of smartphones.
The Paladin didn't merely create a character and start playing.
He built an empire.
Alternate characters.
Multiple phones.
Farming routes.
Zeny reserves.
Equipment plans.
Resource transfers.
An entire little logistical operation designed to support Kajira's progression.
Why?
Because he wanted her to become powerful.
LEGITIMATELY POWERFUL.
Not through cheating.
Not through manipulating network packets.
Not through pretending to possess stats she hadn't earned.
The Paladin had encountered suspicious stat discrepancies among other players and questioned whether everything being displayed was legitimate.
That suspicion wasn't proof of packet manipulation.
But it was part of what motivated him.
He wanted to know what genuine effort could accomplish.
And so the Rat Empire was born.
The rats farmed.
The cheese accumulated.
Kajira grew stronger.
And somewhere in the distance waited a weapon.
HURRICANE FURY.
The Huntmother's great ambition.
A prize that would represent the labor of an entire empire.
Not merely something acquired.
Something earned.
Chapter Six: The Empire Became Another Fucking Job.
There's just one problem with building an empire around repeated farming.
Eventually, you have to keep running the empire.
Day after day.
Phone after phone.
Rat after rat.
More Zeny.
More materials.
More grinding.
More work.
And when Hurricane Fury seems impossibly far away, the entire operation begins to feel less like entertainment and more like employment.
Except nobody's paying you.
You're not earning real money.
You're earning virtual currency to pursue a virtual weapon.
Meanwhile, outside the game, Haus Morgenrot was already draining the Paladin's energy.
Anxiety.
Depression.
Workplace uncertainty.
Then unemployment.
Then applications.
Interviews.
Bills.
Financial pressure.
And after all that, he's supposed to come home and say:
"BOY, I CAN'T WAIT TO CLOCK INTO MY SECOND UNPAID JOB FARMING FUCKING FABRES!"
No.
The Huntmother has been resting.
Not because the empire was meaningless.
Not because Kajira suddenly became unimportant.
But because the person operating the empire ran out of mental bandwidth.
And that matters.
You can have the equipment.
You can have the strategy.
You can have the ambition.
AND STILL BE TOO FUCKING EXHAUSTED TO KEEP GOING.
Chapter Seven: The Golden Hand Problem.
And now we return to eBay.
A Samsung Galaxy S21.
A phone that could potentially help the Paladin earn actual money.
He isn't asking for charity.
He isn't asking somebody to do his work.
He's trying to purchase the equipment necessary to participate in an opportunity.
But first he has to find the listing.
Then figure out which model is compatible.
Then identify whether the seller is actually offering the advertised phone.
Then wait for answers.
Then locate the livestream.
Then figure out when the bidding begins.
Then hope the auction hasn't ended.
And somewhere along the way, a simple purchase has become another fucking grind.
ANOTHER GOLDEN HAND.
Another rare encounter.
Another disappearing opportunity.
Another situation where the work required just to participate starts feeling more exhausting than the thing you're trying to accomplish.
And the Paladin has had enough.
"I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING CHASE IT."
If he wanted to chase rare monsters, he'd boot up Persona 3 FES.
If he wanted to farm endlessly, he'd reactivate the Rat Empire.
If he wanted to navigate mysterious rules, he'd go back to dealing with Haus Morgenrot.
He doesn't need an online marketplace to combine all three.
Chapter Eight: The Department of Petty Affairs Has Had Enough.
At this point, Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand convened an emergency meeting.
Present:
The Lawfully Neutral Paladin.
Kajira, the Huntmother.
Several financially exhausted rats.
Gerald the Cactus.
And one increasingly irritated raccoon.
Jerry: "WHAT DO WE WANT?"
Paladin: "A WORKING SAMSUNG!"
Jerry: "WHY DO WE WANT IT?"
Paladin: "TO TRY TO MAKE SOME FUCKING MONEY!"
Jerry: "WHAT'S STOPPING US?"
Paladin: "A LIVESTREAM, AN IPHONE PICTURE, AND A GODDAMN TREASURE HUNT!"
Kajira: "Can we farm it?"
Jerry: "NO, YOUR MAJESTY."
Kajira: "Can we kill it?"
Jerry: "ALSO NO."
Paladin: "I'LL CRITICAL HIT IT FOR MINUS 9,999 HP."
Gerald: 🌵
Jerry: "GERALD, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU THE AUCTIONEER?!"
Gerald has apparently been promoted again.
He is now Director of Rare Smartphone Encounters.
His first assignment is to locate a Samsung Galaxy S21.
He returns with a stock photograph of an iPhone.
HE HAS BEEN PROMOTED TO VICE PRESIDENT.
Of fucking course.
Chapter Nine: I Am Not Afraid of Work. I Am Tired of Work That Goes Nowhere.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the part I actually care about.
The Paladin has demonstrated that he's willing to work.
He worked at Haus Morgenrot.
He built the Rat Empire.
He farmed resources.
He developed Kajira.
He applied for jobs.
He attended interviews.
He investigated an opportunity to earn money through Project Sonnet.
He researched compatible equipment.
He contacted a seller.
He attempted to participate in an auction.
THE PROBLEM ISN'T THAT HE REFUSES TO PUT IN EFFORT.
The problem is that he's exhausted by putting in effort only to encounter another unnecessary obstacle.
And another.
And another.
Some obstacles are legitimate.
Some goals take time.
Some things require patience.
That's life.
But not every inconvenience deserves to be romanticized as a character-building experience.
Sometimes a poorly explained interface is just a poorly explained interface.
Sometimes an unanswered question is just an unanswered question.
Sometimes a missed opportunity is simply disappointing.
And sometimes a person who's already struggling with anxiety, depression, and unemployment doesn't have the emotional energy to turn another frustrating experience into an exciting adventure.
HE JUST WANTS TO GET SOMETHING FUCKING DONE.
That isn't laziness.
That isn't entitlement.
That's exhaustion.
And there's a difference.
Final Chapter: The Huntmother Doesn't Chase Every Golden Hand.
Here's what I've learned from the Paladin.
You can build an empire without cheating.
You can pursue a difficult goal without pretending the difficulty is enjoyable.
You can ask reasonable questions without apologizing for them.
You can be disappointed without turning disappointment into a personal crusade.
And you can decide that an opportunity isn't worth chasing.
The Rat Empire was built because the Paladin wanted Kajira to earn her power.
The Samsung search began because he wanted equipment that might help him earn actual money.
Both ambitions came from the same place.
THE DESIRE TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING HONESTLY.
But there's another lesson here.
Not every goal deserves unlimited access to your time, money, or mental energy.
Not every rare encounter is worth chasing.
Not every auction deserves another browser tab.
And not every obstacle is a challenge you're obligated to overcome.
Sometimes the Golden Hand runs away.
Let it.
Sometimes Hurricane Fury remains out of reach.
Let it wait.
Sometimes the seller doesn't answer.
Find another seller.
Because the objective isn't to prove you can endure an infinite amount of bullshit.
The objective is to make progress toward a life you actually want to live.
And if the price of an opportunity is your remaining peace of mind?
IF IT COSTS ME, I'LL LET IT GO.
The Paladin lowers his weapon.
Kajira returns to her throne.
The rats take the afternoon off.
Jerry closes approximately forty-seven browser tabs.
And Gerald?
🌵
Gerald has somehow purchased the Samsung.
For one dollar.
It arrived as an iPhone photograph.
FUCKING GERALD.
Jerry “The Ankle-Biter” Silverhand
https://theglitch.bearblog.dev/