🗂️ Jerry “Ankle Biter” Silverhand — Internal Affairs Interview
Subject: Junior Associate, Gremlin Risitas Protocol (Seasonal Temp)
Location: Folding chair, break room, one flickering light
Status: Sober. Defensive. Holding a crumpled receipt he insists is “symbolic.”
🎙️ INTERVIEW BEGINS
Jerry: State your name for the record.
Jr. Assoc: … (long pause) “Raccoon.”
Jerry: Last name?
Jr. Assoc: Seasonal.
Jerry: Were you aware you were not old enough to drink?
Jr. Assoc: I wasn’t drinking. I was sampling consequences.
Jerry: Explain the ceiling tile entry.
Jr. Assoc: Door was locked. Ceiling was not. That’s not crime—that’s environmental storytelling.
Jerry: Thirty to forty bottles. Why so many?
Jr. Assoc: You ever try to find clarity in a fluorescent-lit bureaucracy? Each bottle said, “Maybe I’m the one.” They lied.
Jerry: Why the bathroom?
Jr. Assoc: Safe room. Porcelain throne. Good acoustics for regret.
Jerry: You wiped the security cameras.
Jr. Assoc: Gravity did that. I merely believed in gravity harder than most.
Jerry: Final question. Any remorse?
Jr. Assoc: Yeah. I should’ve hydrated.
🧾 INTERNAL FINDINGS
- Charges: None
- Lesson learned: Debatable
- Outcome: Released, viral, community morale boosted
- Classification: Panda Prime Adjacent Incident
🖊️ JERRY’S CLOSING NOTE (STAMPED)
Not guilty by reason of raccoon. Promoted to “Legend (Unpaid).” Do not reassign near holidays.
Interview adjourned. Someone get this associate a juice box and a union pamphlet. 🦝📎